Saturday, 1 August 2015

Does the Lizard Theory have some merit?



The Telegraph helpfully recalls the Mumsnet biscuit choices of politicians from the last several years.  Proof, indeed, that some of our leaders are not actually descendants of species which evolved on this green Earth.

Andy Burnham: "I don't have a sweet tooth and don't eat biscuits. But give me a beer and chips and gravy any day?"  

Jezza Corbyn: Didn't answer.

Gordon Brown: Didn't answer, several times.  His spinners let it be known 24 hours later that he likes anything with a bit of chocolate.

Nige: Didn't answer.

Liz Kendall: "I'm more into savoury snacks. Currently popcorn."

Who the hell are these people?  Look, I realise that some people try to eat healthily.  No doubt spinners everywhere try to hook the constant-dieter vote.  Clearly what Alex Salmond intended when he responded with "I’m on the 5:2 diet, but Jim Walker’s plain chocolate ginger shortbread".

But to not know instantly what your favourite bloomin' biscuit is?

I read somewhere that a successful man should always be able to instinctively respond to the question of what he drinks.  I have to disagree with that; sometimes a G&T suits, other times a beer, and these days it is entirely acceptable to drink wine in public houses.  Thus Nick Clegg's triangulation policy of "Rich Tea if dunked. Hob Nobs if not" is actually acceptable.

One of the recurrent themes in Borgen, the Danish drama (highly recommended), is the volume of coffee the characters drink, and the plates of pastries provided at political meetings.  Are we seriously supposed to accept that Prime Minister David Cameron hosted the coalition's "quad" discussions over tea and "oatcakes with butter and cheese"??  Ridiculous.  

Hey, they could even make it up if they were trying even remotely to look human.  How likely is it that they would be found out if they lied?  Might a disgruntled bag-carrier or coup-plotter reveal to the world that actually Cam can't keep his grubby fingers away from the Marylands?

Maybe we made a huge mistake not putting Ed Bacon Sandwich Miliband into No. 10.  He was asked on two separate occasions, and both times he stated "Jaffa Cake".  Human, after all.

18 comments:

Sackerson said...

A chocolate Rich Tea is excellent for dunking. Doesn't break up like the classic chocolate digestive.

Blue Eyes said...

Does the chocolate mitigate the utter soulessness of the Rich Tea itself?

dearieme said...

A finger of shortbread. But before I put them behind me I was a great fan of the M&S plain chocolate digestive. The only bikky I'll dunk is yer ginger snap.

I once ate a quarter of a Jaffa cake - never again.

Sackerson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sackerson said...

@BE: I would say, gives it a soul, or nearly so. Call it the Golem of biscuits.

@DM: I think that, like Wagon Wheels, Jaffa cakes have changed; used to be nice, I thought, now merely a disappointment.

Sniper said...

"both times he stated "Jaffa Cake". Human, after all"

Superior Insect Overlord mind control techniques - that's just what they want us to think.

Bill quango MP said...

Cameron - rich tea
Osborne - viscount
Boris - hot crumpet
Corbin - garibaldi
Cooper - plain inoffensive bland digestive
Kendall - hobnob (I am not a Tory!)
Burnham - Yorkie bar..wrapped in bacon..and a rocky bar ..with gravy and mushy peas and brown sauce..like any good northern man..(I'm from the north, you know,but I never mention it.)
Miliband - lemon puff
Brown - ( awaiting response)

Electro-Kevin said...

I wouldn't argue with Dearieme. Sounds like they carry a knife to tea.

Nick Drew said...

#1 by a long margin = Oatmeal Block, British Army issue

#2 = Fox Golden Crunch Cream

andrew said...

Fresh Macaroons.

French style.

Suppose I will be banned now.

Blue Eyes said...

Banné je pense. Biscuit, of course, is a Froggish concept.

andrew said...

worse (if possible)

much like wine, cheese, bread i think biscuits were invented in what is iran / iraq.

so we are all supporting terrorism!

Blue Eyes said...

Cheese was invented in Devon. Everyone knows that.

Wine was begotten, not made.

James Higham said...

Of course, were it up to Cruella da Flint, the mooted deputy attack dawg, there'd be no biscuits for anyone.

dearieme said...

For cheese, the best biscuits I've ever encountered were Healthy Life, from Edinburgh. I don't know whether they are still made. Thankfully oatcakes are still made.

adham said...


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adham said...



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شركة نقل عفش بالخبر
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adham said...


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شركة مكافحة حشرات بالمدينة المنورة