The scene: a small, bare office on an industrial estate near Beijing Capital International airport. Sitting nervously on a metal chair, nursing a plastic beaker of water and facing a plain table adorned with two small pennants, one a Union Jack and the other the Chinese flag, is The Most Important Man In Government Jonathan Powell, legendary Xi-whisperer (self-styled) and Starmer's right-hand man on all foreign matters.
A loud voice off, shouting into room: You bow low!
Powell leaps to his feet, turns to face the figure walking in through the door and doubles over at the waist with as much gravitas as he can muster.
Enter Yu Bau-Lo, 3rd Deputy Under Secretary at the Chinese Ministry of Protocol.
Yu: Mr Powell, get up. Very busy. Have many executions of Ming gang to supervise. What you want?
Powell: Err, Mr Yu, greetings ... I, err, we, err, came good with the approval for your new London embassy, just like we discussed.
Yu: Yes. So what?
Powell: Err, we were, err, hoping there might be something in return? Something big, that Sir Kier could announce?
Yu: He could say "I got to meet President Xi. In person. Camera present, photo taken." This is great honour. Everyone in world deeply impressed.
Powell: Err, we were hoping for something, like, err, tangible?
Yu: We will send copy of photograph meeting with President Xi. Can have framed.
Powell: But, but ... we need a deal - everyone needs a deal these days!
Yu: OK, (looks through notebook entitled "Sops") - we give you visa-free travel! Big concession - only Vietnam, Thailand, Indonesia, EU, Canada, Turkey etc etc etc get visa-free travel. North Korea desperate for visa-free travel!
Powell, crestfallen: Surely there must be something more than that? The embassy ...
Yu: Don' push luck Mr Powell. OK, final word: half-rate tariff on Scotch whisky.
Powell, utterly crushed: Thanks ... we're very grateful.
Yu, turning to leave as shots ring out offstage: OK. You go now. (With back turned) Anyhow, Chinese people don' drink Scotch any more - Indian whisky really good these days**.
As overheard by ND
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** It's true!
All very well being a bit snooty and high minded about doing business with the Chinese. The logic is the same as robbing banks - that's where the money is. Same with rich Middle Eastern nations - plenty of dough and they like buying weaponry - not a business for the squeamish.
ReplyDeleteOf course Mr Trump's lot don't approve, they are paid not to approve. China being the younger attractive model across the street. Langley mumbles to River House, River House would face redundancy if the Yanks cut up rough. A phone call to the The Mail and to Con Couglin and Woo Woo 'it's all a bad mistake'. When was making money a mistake? Who has any better ideas?
Back in the day our economists could not wait to outsource - to Malaysia then Indonesia then China and Vietnam. We don't need dirty old metal bashing or silicon foundry work. We do design and services and money fiddles and stuff - all will be cushty. Not.
A bit squeamish about a bullet in the neck? Try self-build immurement but don't ever let Serco or Crapita run it. Anyway the juries would never wear it.....
"All very well being a bit snooty and high minded about doing business with the Chinese. The logic is the same as robbing banks - that's where the money is."
ReplyDeleteSomething tells me the Chinese don't do business they do takeovers.
Is China where the money actually is? Or is it something of a mirage?
ReplyDeleteIt's not very internally stable at the moment, with Xi having to literally reduce headcount to maintain power, it's economy isn't doing as well as it once was, birth rates have dropped precipitously, outside investment has been getting jittery due to the increased aggression, and Xi discovered the limits of his power over the people with Covid.
On the surface, it's like someone clicked fast forward on our last few decades.
Some days I do wonder about the theory we're in an artificial reality, as China starts looking to be a viable alternative, someone enters a cheat code...
"We don't need dirty old metal bashing or silicon foundry work. We do design and services and money fiddles and stuff - all will be cushty."
ReplyDeleteThere's a graphic somewhere showing trade flows in goods AND services. UK is the second highest exporter of services in the world. Amount isn't that much smaller than our goods export.
No wonder they all keep the City sweet. If that goes, gets damn cold.
CH - I've been reading about ghost cities and all that nagombi for 25 years now, and China is continuing to eat the West's lunch...
ReplyDeleteND hears some truly fascinating things.
ReplyDeleteNice one Nick!
ReplyDeletePeter Simple strikes again...
Re the utility of a service economy.
ReplyDeleteOver the past 20 years UK GDP has gone from £2.05T to £3.38T, slightly less than inflation (£3.58T). Same period GDP/head has gone from £34,442 to £49,463 whereas inflation corrected value is £60,289. No wonder many feel skint. Over the same period national debt has gone from 33% of GDP to 94% of GDP. Population has gone up by about 10 million, most of whom seem to be scratching their arses or selling heroin.
Certainly the lawyers and accountants and software makers have been doing their bit. But you have to wonder if most of this work is exported or done overseas how much tax falls into Mrs Reeve's coffers. Lawyers and accountants etc not being stupid over tax matters.
We end up with an upper strata of earners and a lower strata. The upper strata getting richer and the lower getting poorer. A natural result is an increase in crime of the paying kind. Meanwhile a casual labourer can get £250/day and a skilled plumber or sparks gets about £450. But of course we don't do much house building seeing as it upsets the voting cohorts Labour and Tory. So none of that please and no nasty roads or rails either.
But a few more high paying overseas students would help our universities out wonderfully.
" we don't do much house building"
ReplyDeleteI don't know where you live but we seem to do little else everywhere I drive (between Wales/Midlands right up to "depressed" Durham and Teeside).
A look at the numbers rather than out the window tells a sad story - Britain has built the lowest number of new houses of almost all European countries. We are about 4 million houses short, about 26 years building worth at present rates.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is that house planning is tightly tied to political party success - either party. The bottom line is that we must have high house prices and very limited supply in order to keep our parliamentarians elected and in a job. We know what to do but getting elected afterwards is the problem.
Interest rates are down a bit and mortgage multipliers are up. Whoopee lets buy a house. Not so fast, easier access to mortgages means you can afford to pay me more money for a shoe box. And so we go on.
Terrified of the nimbies and desperate for ever higher house prices I don't see much improvement coming.
Perhaps some Chinese housebuilders and concrete stirrers would help. I have a few acres to start the ball rolling.
Thank you, ND
ReplyDeleteThe Chyyyyynese have long memories.
& the looting of the Winter Palace 1900-01 still rankles.
Expect further humiliation to be heaped upon the supine West in future