Saturday, 28 June 2008

Manchester United under scrutiny

H. Harman
Minister for Administrative affairs


Dear Sir Alex Ferguson
The new employment laws on entrenched discrimination have now come in to force. Sadly our inspectors have found considerable failings in the manner in which you employ your personnel.
As a coach of a high profile national team you must take immediate steps to rectify these appalling lapses.

1] While welcoming your response to our previous diversity and multi-cultural targets and guidelines we feel that more could be done in this area. Of your top 26 players 11 are British Males. Only 2 of these 11 could be classified as Black British or Afro Caribbean.
Some 33% of your workforce is British with the remainder coming from the EU [11] Latin America [2] Korea [1] China [1] . These fit well within our profile for the UK as a whole except that you are seriously deficient in Asian and Middle Eastern and west African personnel.
We strongly advise you to make your next signing from India or Syria in order to balance out the structural integrity and ethnicity of your team.

2] A serious breach. Not a single member of your first team or champions League squad is a woman. Women make up at least 50% of the workforce and as such it is expedient that you divert resources to the recruitment of women players for your next 11 players. This can be achieved and even enhanced with condition [1] above.

3] Pay.There are very serious differences in the pay awards of your players. We note that Wayne Rooney receives some 79% more than Christopher Eagles, yet they are both squad players performing a very similar role. They both work on the same 90 minute Saturday shift so the pay should be commensurate.
The committee takes a very dim view of this practice and it must cease. Equal pay for equal work.

4] All players have a contract that makes them work Bank Holidays. It is not compulsory to work on Bank holidays and this clause must be removed.

5]Sadly another area where you are not following our guidelines is on age. Edwin Van Der Sar has been asked to resign. He is the eldest member of your workforce at just 39 years old.
The mandatory retirement age is 65.
Mr Van Der Sar has a very clear tribunal case if he so wishes. It would be advisable for you to reinstate him as first choice keeper until 2035.
[ You cannot move him to a position less favourable than the one he enjoyed before]

You should also stop discriminating against footballers because of their age. We have noticed you are already offering lesser roles to Paul Scholes and Ryan Giggs, despite their years of loyal service. Perhaps you should consider some of your former players. Dwight York, Denis Law or Ray Wilkins.
Or better yet combine with points [1] and [2] to hire an elderly female lady from Pakistan for the difficult left wing position.

We hope you will act swiftly on our recommendations in recruitment, publish all players salaries and then give them all equal pay and totally re-think your ageist practices.

We wish you all the best in the new season and feel sure that with your record of long running success can easily adapt to our recommendations.

Yours sincerely
Harriet Harman

Making Britain Grate


Anonymous said...

Old Trafford

Dear H Harperson

Thank you for your most welcome letter to Sir Alex. I have been asked to reply as he is currently under sedation having suffered a mild seizure this morning after reading it.

As a first step we have introduced unisex loos under the east stand. This should ease crowding at half time and allow spectators to return to their seats in time for the second half kick off.

You will also be pleased to know that all the members of the senior squad have completed their application forms for membership of the local Womens Institute. I shall let you know how we get on.

For purposes of clarification can you confirm that we are allowed to claim for recipe books and knitting needles on our expenses?

The MU Left Wing Diversity Affairs Officer for Multicultural Integrationalist Tendencies in Greater Manchester.

Anonymous said...

"Minister for Administrative Affairs". nice detail.

Private companies will not be required ( yet ) to implement positive discrimination but across the public services it will be required practise.
Thus within a few years our Civil Service, Local Authorities, Education, Charity and Voluntary sectors together with Quangos of all sorts will be overwhelmingly staffed by people not native to our land and we will have given our country away.
The Guardian might as well head its' Recruitment pages " White Males need not apply ".

Colin Campbell said...

Ha Ha very good. This kind of thinking will bring us all down. Nobody will bother to do anything unless they are directed. Too difficult and they may end up in jail. Scary.

Bag said...

Vote BNP. They will fix it when they get in.

Anonymous said...

'Alrigh Alrigh..if A doo Yon dinna' wi' Sir Alex fund raiser will you no make us exempt?

Anonymous said...

With have a lot to thank Harriet for. She is obviously a Tory mole, doing all in her power to bang the last nail into thr Nulab coffin.

Or, maybe she's just an idiot.

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