I hear you're a racist now, Father Jez {Pt III}

 

Father Jez was being branded an Antisemite in all the local Maggie Island newspapers. Even the normally loyal "Maggie Island Mirror" was suggesting Father Jez had a problem with Zionists.

And suddenly there seemed to be Jews everywhere on Maggie Island. 

 Before this incident father Jez had never noticed how many there were. But now they were chanting about him and throwing eggs at him, he couldn't but help to notice. Synagogues. Jewish Schools. Jewish Cemeteries.he began counting how many there were.

And then there were all the Banks. And the Newspapers. The media. The film industry. 
And he knew several Doctors and Dentists. These people were absolubtely everywhere, he thought.

 Which was surprising, considering how few there were supposed to be. 
Under 300,000 on Maggie Island was the 'official' figure.

How could so few, be so prominent?  Unless, he thought, they hadn't all been killed in the Holocaust after all. Like he'd read on the facebook groups he'd friended. The ones that explained how the Jews controlled all the world's supply of flouride. And the Catholic Church. And how it was them that made Superman III and Superman IV so awful after two really good first films.
And they controlled all the investment banks in America and China and Greenland..

..Wait! Wait! ..Stop this! This sort of silly thinking was what had got him into this mess in the first place. Stop pandering to all this rubbish, he told himself.

"I have to find a solution to this Antisemitism issue. Show I'm not a racist. Sort this embarrassing Jewish issue once and for all. Do you hear me Kevin?" 
He asked the novice priest sat opposite of him at the breakfast table and who was reading all the bad news in the morning papers.

"I hear you Jez," Kevin answered absently. Still reading.

 "You need to devise a Final Solution for the Jewish problem."

"Quite so..You see.. NO!. ..Wait! No..Not a Final Solution for Goodness sake. Just a solution so that everyone will stop thinking I'm some kind of big racist."

"Are you not a racist now, then?" Asked Kevin innocently. "Only The Maggie Mail says you're the most racist leader of any political party, anywhere in the world. And they even include Father Trump over on StormyDaniels Island."

"No. I'm not a racist! Its all just a misunderstanding. I need some way to make people see that."

"I've an idea Jez. A real inclusive-embracing-rainbow type of progressive idea. So its probably a load of old nonsense like they always are. Tap-Dance-for-Gaza and that kind of rubbish thing. But anyway here it is. 

Why don't you organise something our supporters really enjoy. Something like an all faiths special event?

 Celebrating all the different cultures and religions and genders and bio-genders and whatnot on Maggie Island. 
 A really inclusive, pink frizzy hair - pierced face - dress as your genitals, mad fringe, looney left, public sector day out,  style event. Placards and banners and lots of long and dreary talk about inclusive socialism ..and ..I dunno..Stalinism for Millennials and that type of thing. . 
With some of your home made nettle wine and some pineapple and cheese cocktail sticks. 
 Then people would think you were once again the 'Absolubte Boy.'

Instead of a great big, hairy-faced Jew-Hater."

Father Jez looked at Father Maguire in amazement. This was, incredibly... a really good idea. This could get the activists and voters and even the BBc, back on side. A really informative and boring, completely pointless, yet all embracing, umbrella encompassing, unity, snorefest. 

The left loves a tedious, soporific, introspection that shows how virtuous they all were.
  It was brilliant. All he had to do now was plan his speech. And if there was one thing Father Jez liked more than a two hour talk on Marxist theory,  it was a Castro length six-hour speech from himself.

******

The next day Father Jez and Father Kevin were preparing to leave the house. Jez had organised a corker of an ethnic diversity power-point to show that he wasn't a racist antisemite. This would surely be well received. He was very pleased with himself when Mrs Chakribarti worriedly stopped him at the doorway to ask about Father MaoDonnell. Who she said was waiting for the arrival of packing boxes. As he was..

"Keen to be Leaving Soon."

"What? He's not leaving, is he? What's the old fool on about, Mrs Chakribarti? Is he drunk again?"

"Oh yes indeed,  Father," she replied.  "Drunk on power. And the 75% proof spirits of pure socialism."

"Well I can't be dealing with this now, Mrs Chakribarti. If any boxes do come, just sign for them and put them out the way. I'll sort it all out after "Expo-Jewism 2018"

Mrs Chakribarti frowned.

"No. I'm not keen on that name myself. I'll have to come up with something better on the way. Anyway, you take care, Mrs Chakribarti. Cheerio."

And the High Priests of the Labour Party religion set off for the diversity event. 

[To be continued...]