The kindness of Strangers' {bar}
"Hello Prime Minister. Thank you for seeing me. I realise you are very busy. What with the press and the European Union and such. I've just been with the 1922...
They are all fine. Thank you for asking. ...How was the speech received there? Well, it was looked upon very positively....by some...I'm sure...Though they may not have expressed their admiration for walking the tricky Brexit tightrope in so many words.
No, not applause...nothing like that..You know how they are..Very reserved..Unlikely to show ..erm...emotional expression.
Well...I'm sure you did as you thought best. And I'm sure your support from everyone is just where it was...the day after the election.
Oh I wouldn't say hostile, Prime Minister. That would indicate an undercurrent of anger. There was none of that! Heavens, no. Maybe the odd person asked if you were perhaps standing in front of a white screen or a white flag?
There were a few voices murmuring about your own, actual delivery of the speech
..In what way?..
Well...I did hear mention of it being delivered a bit in the style of Hirohito. "Brexit has developed not necessarily to Britain's advantage." That sort of thing..
And one or two suggested perhaps a better venue might have been a 19th century railway wagon.
In the Compiègne forest.
Er...Quite correct PM, that is a military reference...as were the ones about Yorktown and Cornwallis. 2nd Afghan war. Suez '56.
...I did hear an amusing one about the Hundred years war..
Someone said that's what you have signed up to..With your 'period of implementation' unconditional offer.
Yes that is another historical reference. A very long conflict. Us and the French.
Undeniably, they are a bit keen on their history. The 1922. Its kind of in the title.
You studied geography, if memory serves? A fascinating subject I'm sure..Actually there was a geographic-historic point I overheard. I can't quite remember it all... but Senlac Hill got a mention. And there were some more modern comparisons. Roy Hodgson. England vs Iceland, for one.
Oh, now Prime Minister. Don't look so downhearted. I'm sure the Europeans will recognise the difficulties you face. The complexities involved. And the chaps weren't out for blood. Really, they were very understanding. And they took it far better than the other day when you said you were going to stay on for ten more years.
They just wished there had been a bit more Churchill at Dunkirk and a bit less Percival at Singapore to it. You know?
Erm..No PM. I meant nothing to do with temperate climates. Though it was a bit cool..the speech, I mean..Not the ...look...let's just leave the history-geography to one side, shall we?
Now the 1922, asked me to pop along to see you. Just to float an idea.
As you know, conference is 1st October. And we all want a really rousing one after the erm..the...erm..abatement of our majority in June.
So, we were considering ways of ensuring you receive a really, really spectacular standing ovation. Something you could have forever as a personal achievement. Something you could say to really make the conference come together. To reunite the party. Something to please both Brexiteers and Remainers.
That would be something to be proud of, wouldn't it, Prime Minister?
Well..I'll tell you..You see we thought, if the EU negotiators respond as we expect them to. To that ...erm..that ...interesting...speech you gave today, then we should have a response of our own.
Of course the choice would be up to you. The party is in no way favouring one option over another.
You could say "ill Health." or, "Spending More Time With Phillip."
Just so long as you are gon...erm....you announce the decision during the conference. The handover details will all be worked out by then. Stay on as a caretaker until, say, November? Give us time to sort the vacancy. Quash the civil war.
Pardon, Prime Minister?.. Alas, it was so Prime Minister. Unanimous.
And you know, this really would be for the best. For you. For the party. For the country!
Very difficult times. And who really needs all that abuse? All that criticism? You don't really want to read what George Osborne says about you every day, do you? Who needs it? Its a rotten job.
You try your very best, and what thanks do you get? None at all.
Just pages and pages in the Guardian about how you don't care about anyone, and the BBC complaining about your trouser suits.
And of course, once you are free from the chains of office, you can make a fortune on the diner circuit. Even old Brown is making as much Wayne Rooney for his self-promoting nonsense.
And you'd be a Grandee.
Held in utmost regard. Instead of, as now, someone who is thought of as just a ...erm..I mean..higher regard! Held in higher regard as a Grandee.
Just think, Theresa. No more campaigning. No more debates. No interviews. No fractious cabinet meetings. No more DUP demands. No more EU demands. No more worrying about tomorrows headlines. Not having to mix with people. And, thankfully for us all, no more speeches.
Far, far better to go now. At YOUR choosing. To a tumultuous applause. Not just from the party. But from the nation!
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Much better to leave right now. With dignity. With grandeur and decorum.
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Rather than with the knives in the back and front that must surely follow..... ...If you choose the other path.
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Its for the best, Mrs May. It really is.
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No..
No need for you to do that.
I have an approved resignation speech from the committee, right here in my jacket pocket. Its even got a suitable choice of outfit and how long the applause will last. Its scripted beside each paragraph.
As I said. Much better this way. Much..much better.
For everyone.
