Friday, 28 November 2014

The rise of the SNP - alternative history

Alex Salmond was on BBc's This Week.
He said that the incredible deal offered by the Smith Commission, something far in excess of what was on the table before the referendum began, is a sham document that robs Scotland of its right. The report is a betrayal of what the Scottish voters were 'promised' by Gordon Brown and the whole thing has been a massive betrayal by the ruling London parties.

He could provide no evidence of these additional promises. They aren't reported in any news paper. Or recorded in any speech. But apparently Brown promised them. Even though Brown hasn't been PM for quite a few years, he had the power and did promise Scotland full tax raising powers.

Salmond sounded ever more extreme and unpleasant. Promising the Scots things that the UK can never deliver, and then complaining that when they won't agree to his demands, they are reneging on their promises. 

It may all have sounded a little familiar to history students.

2014 - SNP surrenders to the British  government after failure to achieve a YES vote. 
After years of  political warfare and many, many millions of pounds wasted the result is a stalemate.
Disillusion with traditional political parties rampant. 
The defeated SNP Tartan army is allowed to march back to their homes in good order. The victorious allies decide against occupation of the homeland.
The myth of 'the Westminster stab in the back' is born.

2015 - Alex Salmond discharged from the Tartan Army . Formation of the Scottish FraeKorps from SNP & ex-Labour voters.

2015 - Treaty of AuldLangSyne. Harsh terms are imposed upon the Scots. They have to incorporate the 5 a day fruit regime and minimum pricing for alcohol into their culture. 

2016 -  Adolfine Sturgeon becomes leader of the fledgling new Socialist Nationalist party. She ceases bleaching her mustache. 

2017 - Tennent's Extra Hall Putsch, to forcibly occupy Scottish parliament and expel other parties,  led by Sturgeon and Salmond fails. Authorities fear making them martyrs and sentence them to one month community service. Salmond writes his autobiographical manifesto "Mein Kilt"

2018 - SNP take up seats in the parliament. English students forced to pay for education that is free for non-English.

2019 - 2nd global recession. The Prince's Street Crash. EU enters 10th year of recession and loans to fund Scottish benefits and education dry up. Scotland enters sharp downturn. The Socialist Nationalists blame 'foreigners' for the cut backs that follow. The persecution of the English intensifies.

2020 - Socialists Nationalists and the Green Party take seats from the Communist-Red-Eds. Salmond stirs up his supporters with fiery rhetoric and promises. He demands more powers of taxation and a Scots army and airforce that was [always} forbidden under the treaty of AuldLangSyne.  Running street battles, fires, looting and extreme violence break out in Glasgow and Dundee..Which is quite normal behaviour.

2021 - Adolfine Sturgeon becomes Chancellor of Scotland.

2021 - Holyrood Parliament burns down under mysterious circumstances. Civil unrest in the major cities. And  Aberdeen. Sturgeon demands emergency powers. "English foreign saboteurs' blamed for fire. Oppression of the English, something that has been on the rise since 1968, increased.
New laws banning 'Australian people' from owning newspapers or having involvement in the media passed. Murdoch press forced to sell to SNP supporting moguls.

2022- Night of the deep fries - Green party leaders eliminated under Sturgeon's orders. The Greenshirts are incorporated into the SNP.

2024 - English banned from all public sector jobs in Scotland. Which is basically all jobs in Scotland.
English forbidden to marry Celtic citizens or date people with ginger hair. Sturgeon demands Anchluss with Isle of Man.

2025 - Pact of Steel mills announced with Wales. England calls up all 200 of its reservists. Scotland demands control of Northern Ireland and claims Celtic citizens are being mistreated in that country. Sturgeon says war will follow if demands not met.

David Cameron flies to Melrose for talks with Sturgeon. He agrees to allow occupation of the Irish border region and Scottish control of the Northern Ireland subsidy in return for a time extension on the naval base at Faslane .
He returns to Croydon claiming "Lease in our time." 
Adolfine Sturgeon posts Cameron back his umbrella that he had left behind "I thought you might want this. It folds up very quickly."

2026 - Scotland occupies Northern Ireland. England arranges to lease St Nazaire so as to have somewhere to base its aircraft-less carriers.
Cameron says, no ifs no buts,Sturgeon will not demand anything more if we just accept this final humiliation.

2027 - Sturgeon demands the port of Hollyhead from Wales. 
Miliband-Cameron coalition formed.

2027 - Kristal-Meth Night . Thousands of shop windows smashed, heavy street fighting and attacks on English owned shops and businesses. The violence erupted after a controversial penalty decision at Wembley in the England-Scotland Euro Qualifier game saw England win 3-2. English taxpayers made to pay for all the damage - so no real change.
SNP passes the Helensburgh laws. All English people must wear a yellow flag of St George and drive a white van. English places of worship, Marks & Spencers and John Lewis are forced to close.

2028 - to the astonishment of the world an SNP-UKIP pact is announced. These two ideologically opposite parties form an alliance.

2028 - Scotland invades Wales. England declares war on Scotland.

Outbreak of hostilities.

Thursday, 27 November 2014

BBC Question Time competition: Straight to A&E edition.

David Dimbleby presents topical debate from Romford in London.
The panel includes chief whip Michael Gove MP, Labour's shadow business secretary Chuka Umunna MP, Liberal Democrat MP Norman Baker, comedian and television presenter Jo Brand, and Daily Mail columnist Amanda Platell.

Usual rules. Usual fools. Not a big fan of Jo Brand. She has been doing those cake jokes since the 80's. Not very funny even then. Gove is more entertaining...Annnnnnyyyyyywaaaayyyy....

BQ thinks:
1. Is the coalition's failure to provide for weekend GP services a result of savage Tory-led cuts to services or Labour's unbelievable decision to allow the Docs to opt-out of weekend provision?
or both?

2. Terrorism: Facebook is to blame for global terrorism. Before the internet there was no terrorism. So its now up to government to read all our emails and service providers to send the spooks all our likes and dislikes and pokes to end world terror. I can feel a parody post coming on. The Gunpowder plot online ? {although that plot was discovered by the social media of the day - a letter.}

3. Thornberry revisited. Did Emily Thorntons tweet reveal the remoteness of the political classes from the electorate. 

4. Jack Monroe ? I don't fancy it as a story but it ticks some boxes. Was she right to be as shrill and abusive as an enraged dementia sufferer? Should people not tweet what they would not say face to face.. some garbage like that..

5. Net immigration. The made up targets are going to be missed. Which says something about the scale of the problem if its not even possible to achieve the easy-peasey-set-the-bar-low targets that the government set itself.

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Wednesday, 26 November 2014

EU to investment taxpayers money in Pyramid schemes

A new one of these would be a good tourist attraction in St Ives
This is great news for infrastructure fraudsters in the EU - masses of new money for them to take from European taxpayers.

A jubilant Jean-Claude Junker has today announced a huge lump of money, 15x smaller than the announced €315 bn (that number is plucked out of thin air using something call a 15x multiplier) to fund fraudsters everywhere.

This is how it will work. A company, let's call it Happio, will say they are going to build a nice windfarm in Southern Spain. They will get an Euro guarantee which they can take to the bank to fund the windfarm. The bank will lend them €100m. Against this, if there is any loss, the EU will take the first €20 million odd.

The project begins, but there are delays and cost overruns because the contractors who won the tender are raping all the money they can and are giving massive backhanders to Happio for winning the contract. Also, planning was only secured after a hefty bribe to the Planning dept so the who project finance was never going to work anyway.

So, after a few years, it is wound up. Losses, €20 million. Oh well, the private banks have not really lost and its only the EU. There are now plenty of wealthy Spaniards but no windfarm.

This will happen in every EU country, including the UK.

So, dear readers, anyone with any wildly ambitious infrastructure investment plans that we can get working on.....