Tuesday, 28 October 2008

Gordon Brown saves Russell Brand and Johnathan Ross







The Prime Minister broke from his high level summit meeting in Paris with President Sarkozy to make this monumental pronouncement on the worrying situation currently being experienced in the United Kingdom.


"I have become a sort of political Ricky Gervais lately. Popping up on soft chat shows to give my opinion on anything and to promote myself and my book {"No time for change." Hodder and Stoughton £19.95}, and now holding press conferences about people that I have never heard of. It is difficult to exaggerate the severity and importance of these recent events. Not since the beginning of the First World War has our light entertainment budget been so close to collapse. A few weeks ago the jokes on Friday Night with Johnathan Ross and The Russell Brand show started to dry up. And then yesterday the BBC went into meltdown. "said Gordon Brown, The Prime Minister.

"A terrible serious of unfunny and puerile pranks, that started in America with the likes of Lenny Bruce and Howard Stern, and spread across the Atlantic to engulf UK DJ's such as Chris Moyles and Chris Evans led to an attack on an EU national, working in the food and hospitality industry,and has required this government to take firm action. The government drafted in its own spin doctors and joke writers and bought up 50 billion pounds worth of shares in Johnathen Ross and Russell Brand to ensure the survival of the genre. The BBC's flagship stars have been taken into temporary public ownership until the crisis passes."

He went on to say..
"Ross Kemp and chat show host Russell Harty have been earning very large salaries and getting big ratings bonuses but it has led to a culture of irresponsible risk taking that has now bought television to the very brink of the abyss. The light touch of the Furious Satire Authority [FSA] have allowed BBC Radio 2 comedy to become largely unregulated."

So, I announce today, that there is a need for more boring television and radio shows."said the PM. "The popular BBC 9pm -1am Friday night slot will now be taken up with repeats of Last of the Summer wine, My Family and Terry and June. Radio 2's 10am Saturday show will be replaced by an extended Moneybox and a Quote-Unquote special. I have also called for much tighter controls by the regulator SWCHOF on Nick Ross and Jo Brand or whatever their names are. I believe these measures will restore public confidence in the mind numbing dullness of the BBC's offerings."

The PM then grimaced for the cameras before returning to make his apologies to the President of Slovenia who's speech he had interrupted to make this statement

Johnathen King, the governor of television, believes it will be a "long, slow haul".The BBC's stars have been propped up and actions taken to stave off their collapse but for millions of households the next year will be far from comfortable. Repeats of Dad's Army, Simon Scharma's History of Railway Tunnels and endless repeats of the Antiques Roadshow. BBC Parliament MTV and that silly carboot program are the only fare as the BBC struggles to get back on an even keel.

Later the Prime Minister called on all other European Union members to follow his lead and adopt "The Magnificent Brown Plan" in their own countries. Meanwhile billions of pounds have been wiped off the value of Johnathen Ross and Russell Brand and the stars popularity still continues to fall every day.

9 comments:

Andrew said...

You stupid cunt. I don't give a fuck what you think, Gordon Brown thinks, or a Daily Mail reader thinks. BUT. I do not have an option. Either I pay for these dickheads or I go to jail. Let them make all the stupid phonecalls they like, but I don't want to pay for them.

Anonymous said...

Wossup 'ere then?

Bill Quango MP said...

Andrew..
The Head of blogging and entertainment at Capitalists@Work has received your complaint and will respond in about ten - twelve days.

Meanwhile Mr Brand and Mr Ross have prepared this text that they will send to you...

"Dude..What? But like Sorreeee.Ok.
Laters"

Old BE said...

Yes I think this is the real issue: that these pillocks are funded by a tax which we have no say in deciding what it gets spent on. They are nasty unfunny pieces of work but can we sack them? No.

Anonymous said...

#1& #4 What are you angry at? BBC, TV licence or the impact of the actual incident on the mass?
Do you know what follows?… censorship and propaganda!

Old BE said...

I am angry that:

1. I am compelled to pay moneny just for owning a TV

2. That money gets channelled to produce shows that would and could be made by the private sector at no expense to me.

3. The BBC allow such offensive drivel to be aired.

4. The BBC show no remorse when everyone turns round and calls foul.

5. I have no way of directing how the TV tax money is spent and therefore no way of ensuring that something like this doesn't happen again.

This has nothing to do with censorship, it has everything to do with supply and demand. Even if nobody wanted Brand and Ross, they would still be taking home their enormous pay packets at my expense.

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