Monday 11 May 2009

The apology bandwagon

In light of the recent outcry surrounding the Telegraph's unwarranted publication of MP's expense claims, I have been asked by my parliamentary colleagues to join the Prime Minister and the Shadow Prime Minister, and the other fellow in apologising for the recent scandal..

We are very sorry.

Very sorry that the gravy train has temporarily hit the buffers. We are sorry we have been found out, despite our best efforts at maintaining secrecy. We are very sorry that the security arrangements for keeping expenses from undesirable elements was not adequate.

We apologise for not being able to tippex and indelible marker pen away the names and addresses of MPs quickly enough before the claims were published.
The house is extremely regretful of ever having been stupid enough to have voted into law the freedom of information act, that was clearly meant to be in relation to corporations, and not parliamentarians. This inexplicable lapse of sound secretive judgment cannot be excused.
We are very contrite at having failed to prevent publication using tried and tested methods.
Through the courts, the European court, the Speaker of the House of Commons, the official secrets act, gagging orders, the terrorism act , the Metropolitan police, MI5 and other proven methods of publication prevention that have worked so well in cases as diverse as 'Spycatcher' and
the Saudi arms deal. In this instance, for reasons that have yet to become clear, these formidable institutions failed parliamentary democracy.

We, the Honourable Members of Parliament, are regretful that we have been found out, compunctious that we have been exposed. We remain penitent that some members may have taken the expenses system too far, while others secretly think, in light of some truly amazing claims, that they have ,perhaps, not taken enough themselves. We fully realise that the current system of second homes allowances is unsustainable. The whole house has therefore pledged to reform the system to ensure a less transparent, easier to conceal, much more impenetrable and significantly more secure to access, and hopefully more profitable arrangement.

In conclusion, MPs of all parties are mightily sorry.
Sorry that you found out. Sorry that we are embarrassed. Sorry that a temporary loss of income must inevitably take place and sorry that our MEPs in Europe are carrying on as if nothing has occurred there, where of course, nothing has.

Finally, with the coming cuts in public spending and inevitable massive tax rises and looming inflation I should like to indicate that in the not to distant future, you, the taxpayers, will as likely be as sorry as we are now.

Bill Quango MP.


Nick Drew said...

Nicely put sir, if I may say, oh and your expenses claim of last week looks to be quite in order, obviously you needed a new laptop and a 48" flatscreen, well it's to do your blogging, isn't it sir? payment on the third Thursday as usual

anything more we can help you with? oh thank you sir, that's very kind really you shouldn't have ...

Demetrius said...

There is only thing to say:

The marvellous Connie Francis.

Old BE said...

I'm sorry for all sorts of things, too many to list in detail at this time... I will be sorry if the list gets out as I never expected it to be published retrospectively.

Anonymous said...


Electro-Kevin said...

Up the politicians !

(right up 'em.)

The apologies aren't about saying sorry. They're about indicating to the public that all parties are equally culpable. Effectively neutralising damage done to any one party.

"They're all as bad as each other" is fine by the politicians.

Apathy and defeatism is what they are seeking to inculcate right now.

Philipa said...

Very apposite post, BQ.

If you have a mo I would love to have your thoughts on my latest post.. ?

Bill Quango MP said...

ND. Usual fees. No changes to normal business. Honours assured as agreed at some still unspecified future date..

Demetrius. what a goos song. the answer appears to be everyone except Michael Martin.

BE. Its getting like the old British Rail did at the end when they switched from zero to excessive customer service pre privatisation.
"British rail apologise for the late arrival of the 16.40 from Paddington. We apologise for 25 years of neglect of the rolling stock. We apologise for locking the toilets at night and forgetting to unlock them during the day. We are sorry for the war in Bosnia, Communism, the price of bread.....etc

Anon. Thanks. It was a genuine fake apology.

EK. That is happening. If the Lib Dems have less damage they might try to blame the others more. But the truth all have been taking liberties.

Philipa. Will have a look.