Monday 31 August 2009

Brownadder the second {rate}. {Part IV}

Lord Brownadder has arrived at the Queen's court with a cunning plan to restore the nations bankrupt finances and revive his own flagging popularity and influence.

Lord Mandelchett was seated at a desk, altering the Evensong Standard pamphlet with his quill. He would have to have a word with Boris the fool, the Lord Mayor of London. If Lord Mandelchett told the people that the streets were paved with gold then who was Boris to deny it.

"Romeo, Romeo,where for art thou Romeo?" asked the Queen.

"Pardon Majesty?"

"I was just wondering where your Tupi Indies servant boy from the New World Romeo is today."

"Erm..Servant boy..yeeeess. Ahem. Well he is at prayer ma'am."

Just then Lord Brownadder entered with a flourish of his ill fitting cloak.

"Majesty. Lord Mandy. I have bad news,"

"Another By-Election defeat Brownadder?" queried Lord Mandelchett
"Not another fall in literacy levels for school leavers?" asked the Queen
"Another increase in Arquebusier and sword crime, perhaps? Rise in unemployment for labourers. Might I venture a fall in the number of Watchmen in the capital?"

"The number of constables has risen for the fifth year running as you well know Mandelchett. There are now seven constables for the city. No Majesty, a great horror is upon us."

"Oh no!" croaked the Queen "I had heard rumours of another outbreak of the Black Plague in the North."

"No Ma'am. That was traced to one of John Prescott's Codpieces. What has actually happened is religious terror."

"The Moors?" asked Lord Mandelchett.

"No. why does everyone automatically say that? No it is the Catholics. A plot is upon us to destroy the independence of Parliament. Well, probably more than I have done already. But don't fear Ma'am I have a scheme to protect you."

"Tell me Lord Brownadder," commanded the Queen, as she settled onto her throne.

Brownadder unwrapped his sample I.D Parchment which Lord Mandelchett took and studied.
"Well I will arrange for this parchment, containing details of every Goodman, Gentleman, Noble, Crone or Wench to be carried about their person at all times. It will enable the guard to verify the authenticity of that person, securing your safety."

"Do you mean if Master Cooper was questioned on the way to market he could use this to persuade the Sergeant of his character?"


"And he would have no need to point to the massive collection of barrels and casks upon his cart?"

"Erm ...well"

"And Master Miller, If called by the Captain of the guard to provide proof of his domicile could produce this I.D or maybe he could point to the turning blades attached to the front of his residence? Mistress Potter may show her clay caked hands and Witchfinder Templeton need only point to his sulphur-match? And won't it all be very expensive to administer?" asked Lord Mandelchett.

"Its all arranged Your Highness. A special craft of printers and tax collectors..Just a Royal command to make this legal. I beseech you.. "

But Lord Mandelchett had already whispered into the Queens ear.
"No, I don't think this will do Lord Brownadder. Lord Mandelchett has a better plan. Tell him Mandy.

" Majesty, if you grant me the title of Attorney General I will round up all the likely Catholic plotters and hold them for ..oh about 42 days... a bit of water boarding and hooding and then ..burn them.. I'll get the Daily Occurrence to print up a "Religious Intolerance causes house prices to fall" story to bring the people onside."

"Excellent Lord Mandlechett, you are so clever and wise. The ablest of all my advisers. Now Brownadder have you sorted out that problem with the Exchequer yet? I am impatient for good news."

Well don't hold your breath. I've been waiting for some good news for 18 months thought Brownadder.
"Not quite Ma'am. I thought I had it but it seems to have gone all Kinnock on me."

And he left the room sadly.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

"It was about as successful as one of my relaunches. I think the phrase rhymes with James Purnell." Brownadder told his two cronies.
"We have purchased one hundred Lambstrad printing presses, dyes and thousands of small squares of parchment and we have nothing to print on them. As big a waste of time and money as that giant white marquee, containing a few acrobats that Mandelchett had built in Greenwich."

"Well Gordmund, this very day, I have been trying to discover the secret of alchemy. To win back your fortunes.."

"Be quiet Woodward. That's as likely as Damien McBride giving a morality sermon. We can't make coinage out of thin air... .. or... hang on..wait a minute. What if we were to print up promissory notes on these presses. Something with words like "I promise to pay the bearer the sum of five schillings."
We could print hundreds.. no, thousands of them. Hundreds of thousands even."

"But who will use them?" asked Lord Shauny.

"Everyone will. If I can just persuade the queen to agree to them being legal tender, even though they are backed by nothing but empty words."

"Well you know how the Queen is getting on a bit in years," interjected Ballsdrick. "Beginning to look as saggy as a Jacqui Smith belly. Well she might like to be immortalised. Captured by a great Holbein in all her beauty. If you arranged to have the Queen's youthful image engraved upon every note, she might consent to the plan, my Lord."

"Ballsdrick you're right. She might just agree. And if we can keep the printing presses running day and night we need not worry about curtailing spending or ending wars for years. The Queen can have her fine things from the Barbary coast and I can bribe, erm, I mean educate the population with my good works, and cream an enormous slice off for myself. Your Endogenous Growth Theory bollocks has finally paid off Ballsdrick.
Right, while I see the Queen, you Shauny, send a messenger to inform Lord Mandelchett that he is being Quantitatively Eased out of the picture."

"The Brownadder is back! "

Brownadder the Second {rate} Part 1

Brownadder the Second rate. {Part II}

Brownadder the second rate { part III}

The End.


Demetrius said...

Dr. John Dee says it will all end badly, and Brownadder has been reading too much Nostrodamus.

James Higham said...

"Another By-Election defeat Brownadder?" queried Lord Mandelchett

Just how many are possible?

Anonymous said...

Brownadder, against all the odds and the factions lined against him survives to fight another day.

History repeats itself.

James Higham said...

"It was about as successful as one of my relaunches. I think the phrase rhymes with James Purnell." Brownadder told his two cronies.

Like it.