Friday, 11 September 2009

Measuring up

Its time to standardise hyperbole measurements. These are such phrases as,
"The middle classes consume enough Pimms each summer to fill the Albert Hall"
"As tall as the Empire State Building"
"...An area the size of Wales"

It is very confusing with each broadcaster or journalist using their own hyperbolic measure and we think the time has come to settle on the definitive measurement. With your help we want to establishment the correct scale of all media measures.
For example it has long been journalistic practice to equate large surface areas to the 'size of Belgium or Wales' and smaller areas seem to be measured in 'Wembley Stadiums.'
With Belgium being only 3,000 km2 larger than Wales one of them needs to be named as the International standard and the other can be safely ignored. Now we just need to find appropriate small and large standards for:

To start off lets have large weight measured by the M1Abrams and smaller weight by The Prescott. {Note - 5 Prescott's = 1 Abrams}

Over to you


Fred said...

Bill, I think that someone has already done a lot of the spadework at The Register. The even have an online converter for more mundane measurements

Anonymous said...

Isn't Prescott the International standard for incompetence not weight?

Weight - S- Cyril Smith. L-

Height - Small - peter Crouch
Age - Ming Campbell / Mick Jagger
Volume - loud= Glastonbury Quiet = government silences over libya
Ego - mellor

Demetrius said...

Are you sure you have this the right way round? In any case, Prescott makes more noise, is usually out of control, and has done a lot more damage than all the Abrams tanks every made.

dearieme said...

distance should somehow relate to "I'll go to the foot of our stairs".

Philipa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Philipa said...

I don't think heat should be measured in Hiltons as there is nothing hot about them. I think heat should not be gender specific but measured in pensions (remember the pensions crisis?) or Banderas. Now he IS hot.

Noise should be measured in neighbours; mine - very noisy, especially after midnight, or specifically ones with ASBOs for having sex loudly? You decide.

Incompetance should be measured in police.

Ego should be in measured Speakers (order! order!).

Age should be measured in childrens progs; 'he's only a teletubby but his brother's a Trumpton and his father's a Fireball XL5'.

Depth shouldn't be measured in politicians.

And maybe small weight measures should be in Jordans; how much do one of those weigh? I don't know but I bet it would cost over £30 to send one implant first class inland post.

Bill Quango MP said...

Fred: I am humbled by the work already being carried at the register.
Like finding out that just as you have discovered the technology for the telegraph a neighbouring work bench is putting the finishing touches to email.

Anon: A Peter Crouch is a good small height measure. I think maybe female newsreaders could do for age?

Demetrius:Maybe Prescott can be a multi unit.
Prezza and Johnny?

Dearieme: A measure of shame?

Philipa: Heat has to be measured in British Weather. A British summer is = to the heat of a babies bottle.
Noise in ASBO's is good. My neighbour is very old and is a -3 Asbo. Yours sounds like a 6.
Kids tv for junior ages is perfect. I have a Cebeebies and a CITV.

James Higham said...

Where would the Sherman come in?

Pogo said...

How about...

Ego (large) Unit = Mandelson. Normal working unit = MicroMandelson.

Ego (small) Unit = Me :-)

Incompetence (large) Unit = Martin. Normal working unit = MilliMartin.

Incompetence (small) Unit = Leahy