Monday 7 December 2009

Why Labour cuts don't hurt.

Government statement in full.
Rt Hon Gordon Brown MP, First Lord of the Treasury.

We are determined to reduce government current borrowing, that started in America,by half before 2014. In order to achieve this, but not to damage front line public services I have come up with the following proposals.

1} The government will put all of its copper coins into a bottle shaped jar every night until Xmas 2010.
2} The government will only allow value brand custard creams or plain biscuits at government or government sponsored meetings.
3} Government entertaining will now be allowed only within the House of Commons restaurants, which are already subsidised. The Foreign Office, when entertaining foreign diplomats or Heads of State may use the Michelin-starred Heston Blumenthal Little Chef in Popham.
4} A really good rummage through the sofa cushions of all government buildings.
5} A new tax on Tory toffs. Known as the Toffin tax. This will apply to anyone who went to a top 10 private school {decided by amount of fees paid} and who is not a member of the Labour party. This is expected to raise several quid.
6} The positioning of an all party 'Ideas box' at the entrance to the HOC into which opposition parties might drop us some of their policies that we can then pass off as our own.
7} The police and any other Public Sector workers who cannot strike by law will face a 15 year pay freeze.
8} No public sector worker shall earn more than an equivalent worker in a hedge fund, Premiership football club agent, or bank director job.
All PS salaries over £150,000, not in marginal seats or Labour held councils , will have to achieve written permission from the PM to be approved.

10} A curb on expensive media events.
In future when the Prime Minister wants to recycle something he said many times before as a new idea he will just email newspapers with the relevant links to where this has already been reported, in what year, what the response was etc. We will supply a fresh picture of the smiling/serious PM and a snappy new soundbite for the initiative.
This one is called
Helping to Save Ourselves.

These 10 points are estimated by the Treasury office to raise around £400 billion pounds and secure our AAA rating until May.
{Acting PM}


Philipa said...

I'm so sorry I thought it read 'Why Labour cu*ts don't hurt' and couldn't read the rest for laughing. When I recovered and read the post I laughed even more. I must get some Tena Lady.

CityUnslicker said...

v.v. funny Mr BQ. A funny end to a long and stressful day!

Letters From A Tory said...

"A new tax on Tory toffs. Known as the Toffin tax."

Ha, classic.

Budgie said...

Nooooooooo! It ain't funny .... Brown simply has no idea and this captures it completely - it's horrible.

Anonymous said...

These 10 points are estimated by the Treasury office to raise around £400 billion pounds...

There are only 9 points.
Brown rounding up again?

Cazzy Jones said...

Superb. Could this man be related to my nightmare character Godwin Green, the incompetent chief executive of Wessex Mercia PLC, and his hapless finance director Alaric Dearlove?

Anonymous said...

Why does everyone make fun of the Labour Party. They are the only ones that can get us out of this recession. Gordon Brown is a hero. His policies are fantastic compared to the Tories who are just Thatcher's minions.

Bill Quango MP said...

PiP - CU - LFaT -Budgie -

Anon {1} - Yes, a little rounding up from GB is usual. For instance -0.3% GDP was forecast as 3% growth. Will probably be reported as such today.

Good blog you have there.

Anon [2] . Irony?
Some think the Labour party are heroes. Not enough to get them elected with a majority it seems.
not anyone paying the new Super Tax either. From past experience the new super tax for the very rich soon becomes the new super tax for the moderately wealth to the just plain poor.
See inheritance tax/stamp duty for examples.

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