Friday 15 October 2010

The doctor is in.

This weekend the Bill Quango MP constituency office will be open as usual. But as part of BBC get online week the digital age community will be welcomed. Post your questions or concerns in the comments and the Honourable member for Surreysex East will do his level best to reply to them and ease your fears.
{Or possibly an intern will. the Hon. mem. normally slopes off for golf at around 11am.}

Recent topics have included ..

"My Neighbour, a teenage mum of two, wonders around naked in the night-time. She doesn't have any curtains and my living room looks straight into her kitchen. What should I do?"

Bill Quango MP responds "In my experience the best course of action is a pair of Zeiss 20x60 Image Stabilising Observation Binoculars on a tripod"

"In my street there is a dog that barks all night. despite repeated attempts to have the owner do something the animal continues to bark ferociously. The police are not interested..what can be done."

Bill Quango MP responds "Dear constituent. I contacted Police Inspector Truncheon who informed me of some new developments in the borough that may help you. Apparently 'Sticker' Hughes is out on parole. If you go to the Red Lion in Jacob Zuma Road with £200 the problem should be resolved to your satisfaction."

"The council are insisting that the trees in my road, Ebola Terrace, must be removed as the roots are damaging the pavements. Will the residents be eligible for compensation if the council succeeds in removing landscaping and reducing house values "

"I have been to your street to see for myself. The house are truly ghastly. There's one near to you that even has a family of fake plastic badgers in the shrubbery. I doubt wether removing the trees will have much impact. I'll ask councillor Sponge but I doubt they'll offer more than £6 a household. My advice is to take it and also to try and do something about your dilapidated car port. There's a Wickes not 200 meters from you for goodness sake!"

If you have a question on any issue please feel free to leave it in the comments and the MP will respond over the weekend.

Remember - We Work for You!

{and for Quango and Partners, the city law firm, but that's during the week and does not interfere with my Mp duties which really do consume an inordinately large amount of time.. no really! they do.. Honestly}.


Electro-Kevin said...

I have ALL of those problems at my house.

Right Friendly said...

I am learning some interesting new (to me) approaches to dealing with constituents' issues, simply by reading this post!

The blogosphere can be *so* educational...

Oddjob said...

Are my garden gnomes subject to elf n safety rules?

Bill Quango MP said...

Dear Mr E_K.
If you could be a little more specific. I will send you the leaflet 'improving community values and diversity' because I have millions of them and also because they make quite good firelighters.

Andrew B said...

Dear Mr Q

Every evening I walk home past a pub and see a small group of people huddled outside, they only seem to be able to use cigarettes to keep themselves warm.

Surely something must be done to help these unfortunates.

Yours EJ Thribb

Bill Quango MP said...

Dear Mark Wadsworth,
The chain {Oddballs IIRC} was sadly lost under the disastrous economic stewardship of the previous government. It was also that previous regimes desire to fight obesity by making people walk long distances for services, post offices, Pubs, libraries etc.

I am happy to report that has now changed and this new Coalition is committed to restoring enterprise within the country.
I have organised the sending of boxes of flyers to Lodz,Istanbul and Dakar inviting those peoples to take up the opportunity of these empty retail units, and bring their families to start a new life employed in the demanding and highly skilled fast food trade.

As to your suggestion to charge a levy on empty buildings, I feel that sounds like something 'Red Ed 'might be in favour of. Surely the already punitive rates suffices to force landowners to open up their premises?
Any way, if all those shops were Let. where would the council put all those giant window posters of people happily shopping in a mythical sunlit retail park, or pictures of local children's artwork?

I hope this has addressed your concerns...

Rt Hon Bill Quango MP.

Bill Quango MP said...

Dear Right Friendly,
Education is a priority for this government. The buildings for schools program just one example. {Canceled I know. But that's just to allow some labour style spin later next year when it's restarted, but called something like "The keeping little kiddies out of the rain" program.]

I hope this has addressed your concerns...

Rt Hon Bill Quango MP.

Bill Quango MP said...

As far as I am aware, during the repeal of socialist health and Safety rules, there was nothing specifically relating to gnomes.
This is a shame, as when I accidentally kicked a pensioner's gnome into a water feature whilst election campaigning, it badly scuffed my brogues.

Having googled your question in ToryForum as far as I can see the government makes no comment on gnomes or elfs, but is very keen to embrace fairies.

I hope this has addressed your concerns...

Rt Hon Bill Quango MP.

Bill Quango MP said...

Dear Mr E.J Andrew-Thirrb.

I too have witnessed this phenomenon. It seems symptomatic of the great recession that even relatively well off people, dressed in suits and work style clothes, are forced to huddle around the steps of office buildings, puffing to keep warm and making glances at their timepieces, presumably checking to see how long until they need to sign on.

It is very sad. But there are schemes that may help. There is an idea whereby many of the huge numbers of now empty buildings could be used to temporarily house these people, between the hours of say, 7pm and 12am.

The building would become a sort of meeting place, or 'chat-room'.
These puffers would be allowed in, and perhaps some sort of alcoholic beverage {highly taxed to raise revenue to fund this scheme} could be sold.
The project would serve to remove young people from the streets, allow pensioners a social interaction, provide a shelter from the cold and a revenue stream for the government.

This scheme is called the People's Urban Buildings Supply,

for short.

I hope this has addressed your concerns...

Rt Hon Bill Quango MP.

lilith said...

Dear Mr Quango,

As I have to leave early for work to miss the traffic I often do not have time to put on my make up before I get there. I have noticed a number of blue cameras on large poles along the route, and am very worried that photos of myself are being taken before I have had a chance to put on my mascara. Surely this is an infringement of my human rights? What if an unscrupulous traffic cop sold the prints to the Daily Mail? *Shudders*

Love Lil

Bill Quango MP said...

Dear Lilith,
I have received assurances that since the ovethrow of the oppressive former socialist regime, all of these cameras have been switched off and are unable to take your picture.

But to be on the safe side why not, as I witness many young ladies doing, apply your make up as you drive?
It seems that if you drive in the fast lane with the windows open ,wrists gently resting on the steering wheel, then this helps the application to dry.

Quango Industries sells a combined hair dryer / hair straightener / MP3 player that plugs into the cigarette lighter. £29.95 from all good stockists.

James Higham said...

Mr Q

I have nightmares about Blair. What can be done?

Bill Quango MP said...

Dear James Higham,
All anyone can do is pray.

hatfield girl said...

Dear Mr Quango, Underwear is getting so expensive it's hardly worth going to Marble Arch any more. Even the multi-packs have fewer items inside. Could the anti-slavery laws be repealed so that cotton picking returns to the correct price?

Bill Quango MP said...

Dear ms Hatfield girl,
underwear is indeed very expensive. Government leaflet 234/43/3/-Bf67a "So you live in austerity Britain" is a leaflet that was originally produced in 1940 and is being updated for after the public spending review.

This passage is pertinent.

"If your undergarments are tatty consider not wearing any at all when indoors and sharing with a neighbour when one of you must go to spend a coupon.

Hope this helps.
I hope this has addressed your concerns...

Rt Hon Bill Quango MP.

Anonymous said...

Dear Bill

I find myself feeling sorry for Gordon Brown; not only is he a sad and sorry excuse for a man, but there is a danger that people will soon forget what a complete aunt TB was and blame all our ills on Gordon.

Please, please help me get over this senseless compassion.

Bill Quango MP said...

Dear Amen Onymouse,
I would not feel too sorry for Mr Brown. Its said in the commons that he feels sorry enough for himself. If you want to feel sorry for someone, try someone more deserving, like Oona King, Barack Obama or even holidaymakers in France in need of some diesel.

As for your aunt's TB, the department of health have comprehensive screening centres where she may be checked.
Due to the cutbacks there is not one locally, but at any major port
there should be half a dozen.

Hope this helps.
I hope this has addressed your concerns...

Rt Hon Bill Quango MP.