Saturday 2 June 2012

Spad's Army Pt 2. They don't like it up 'em

Part 2.
It is now the second year since the battle for the very survival of Western Europe began. Without Allies on the continent the British Isles stands alone against the might of the Eurocrats.
In Westminster-On-Sea, the commander of the Second Home guards, Captain Camering is tasked with commanding the local platoon of the coalition cabinet. As well as carrying out his day job as manager of the bankers.
Westmington on Sea

In the Westmington village hall

Captain Camering’s  loyal body of aging & youthful party members are lined up in their ranks. Camering puffs himself up and addresses the troops.

“Now men..., I would say men and ladies, but as you know, I don’t have much time for ladies, anyway..I  have some news for you concerning the European situation. As you know that vile Hun, Frau Merkel, and her army of fanatical Eu reformtroopers, are poised to attack the very fabric of this nation. But I believe if we stand shoulder to shoulder, we can put a stop to the spread of their EU bureaucracy and powers of the superstate..”

“Oh really? I dinae think so,” grumbled the unmistakeable sour tones of Private Cable.

“What’s that Cable?”asked Captain Camering suspiciously. Cable was often the catalyst for any dissent in the platoon. He had been in the other service in the last lot. He wasn’t used to, and didn’t much care for the Tory armies ways.

“I was just thinkin’ tha’ when we sent all those billions from our British Expeditionary Fund to help our Greek allies, it didnae stop the Germans forcing that government into exile. Nor taking over the place wi’ their own technoo’ crats. And removing Berlusconi and setting up a pact of steel wi’ yon Italians. An the Irish have decided they canae do wi oot the EU shilling.”

“That’s quite enough of that talk Cable. I admit that in the past I’ve been a bit soft on the spread of the EU superstate. Perhaps only paid lip service to the concerns of the man on the omnibus about the growing EU menace. Or the woman on the Croydon tram’s worries about unlimited immigration. But that was before! 
Before I realised that the party focus groups and Whitehall red tape wallahs had got it completely wrong. Far from making me seem a ‘swivel eyed, frothing mouthed, loon’, there are in fact, millions of votes in the little Englander position.”

 “I told you that, mate,”  exclaimed Private Mayor Johnson, the cheeky cockney Londoner, who always had his fingers in many pies and as many women.
“And if you’d heeded my advice you’d be a Major of your own company and not just a Captain in a poxy Coalition.” 

“Quiet in the ranks,please!” Called Sergeant Cleggson.

“Permission to speak sir? “Asked lance corporal Hague, the doddery old soldier. He had been in the party army ranks since he was a boy soldier in Lady Kitchen’s army.

“Yes Hague, what is it?” asked Camering with a sense of apprehension. Lance corporal Hague had a tendency to talk Yorkshire bollocks.

“In the old days, when I was a just a lad in the army of the great lady Kitchen, I gave an election speech about saving the pound. I said we had to stand up for the British Empire and stop those Fuzzy Thinkers at the Guardian throwing our sovereignty away...they don’t like it ConDem, Sir..Don’t like it ConDem at all. The cold steel for those fuzzy thinkers. Afraid of cuts they are..”

“Get on with it Hague”

“Yes sir..just coming to it, sir..The Colonel at the time, Colonel Blair was his name sir, well, he was all for joining the Euro and getting all intergrationlised and harmon-on-onionsed & such, sir. I said he was leading us all to disaster.” 

The lance corporal struck a heroic pose, one hand on his hip, the other shaky hand pointing accusingly at the memory of the long departed Colonel Blair.

 “Colonel Blair, I said .... 

Talk about Europe and they call you extreme. Talk about tax and they call you greedy. Talk about crime and they call you reactionary. Talk about immigration and they call you racist; talk about your nation and they call you Little Englanders ... This government thinks Britain would be all right if we had a different people. I think Britain would be all right, if only we had a different Government.”

There was a silence in the dusty hall as the old soldiers words sunk into the cabinet platoon. He spoke words that many of the conservative ones amongst them had been privately thinking for years.

“That was a very good speech Hague.” Said Camering softly.” Well done... Tell me, did your colonel change his mind?” 

“No sir. He got his friendly papers to put  a fizzer on me and then I was massacred at the battle of Worcester Woman & Blair won a landslide.”

Captain Camering harrumphed and continued on. 

“Right..I believe that the only way to defeat the immense forces ranged against us is if we organise our defences facing towards the sea. I shall draw up a battle plan for tomorrow.“  He nodded at Cleggson. "Dimiss the men, Sergeant."

“Parade! Parade .. dismissed! And thank you all so very much for coming. It was so very good of you on a chilly night.”

Camering rolled his eyes. It was tough enough standing up to the Hun without having to cope with a lavender, wet, softy deputy too, he thought, as he went into his shared office.

  Part 1


Electro-Kevin said...

What we need is some Spitfires - about twenty pints of 'em, BQ.

gsd said...