Monday, 1 April 2013

Breaking News - Banking Levy


Its shocking news! This reprinted below.

In every country in Europe levies on bank deposits were enacted last night. A 9.9% tax for all bank accounts exceeding 100,000 euros and 6.7% on anything below that.
Every business bank account, investment account, savings and ordinary account was included.

Herman Van Rompuy, leader of the European council,made a brief statement to journalists.

"The Euro crisis is over! The debt is gone. The banks are solvent and Europe is saved!"

He said there will be a full ECB statement later today.
He refused to take any questions but did confirm to journalists that all banks in Europe would remain closed until Wednesday and when asked if exchange controls were being introduced replied, 
"there is some possibility, yes."

The United Kingdom, though not a member of the Euro currency, also decided to adopt the levy. Chancellor George Osborne explained his decision in an interview to air on ITV's Daybreak tomorrow.

"If we did not take this tough and painful decision whilst the rest of Europe did, then we would instantly become the most indebted nation in Europe, if not the entire world. We would be finished. And savings rates have been so poor its better for investors to now have a small percentage of their cash in bank shares, that someday will make a decent profit, rather than keep on whining about low interest rates."

When asked if this confiscation would have a disastrous effect on the economy he replied,

"No, I don't think so. Having done it once, people can reasonably expect we will do it again if certain conditions arise and they would therefore be better off spending any money they have on big tellies or smart phones or even a new fleece? The economy is about to receive a big consumer spending boost."


Asked whether his coalition allies and the opposition would agree to this extreme measure Mr Osborne said,

"Well they should. It was their idea.  The mansion tax would have been an overnight grab of already taxed, built up wealth. A taking by levy. And the polls showed nearly everyone was in favour of it. The problem with that was it wouldn't actually raise much money and was merely a political gesture. 
But, to take wealth from everyone, well that raises a lot of money. And as its a percentage of accumulated wealth the rich will pay much, much more than the poor. We are all in it together."

European Central Bank President Mario Draghi is expected to make a full statement later today. He indicated the move secures Europe and has now made banking union possible through wise government intervention.

In Germany Angela Merkel told supporters that

 " Spaniards and Greeks will do anything, and I mean anything to stay in the Euro.  Any level of austerity.  Any level of unemployment.  Any negative measure of growth.  Any instability.  Ireland would rather accept 10 years of decline rather than try to live outside of the Euro. And Cyprus? Cypriot citizens did nothing when we took their money away. If people will stand for that, they will stand for anything. Everyone recognises that the Euro is essential for Europe. And everyone wants to be part of it. Whatever the price."

Nigel Farage of the eurosceptic UKIP party has tweeted 'OMG!FMBA!'

13 comments:

Timbo614 said...

A pinch and a punch for the first of the month!
(april)

Spoo(n)fed said...

Best April Fools since that famous spaghetti tree!

Just hope you have not given these buggers another brilliant idea....

Spoo(n)fed said...

PS: Unless of course you have a crystal ball for events at the end of next month. I wonder how many readers will notice the date on the paper?

andrew said...

FMBA...

Well, I learn something mew every day.

The Freeride Mountain Bike Association is behind the problems the EU has!

Nick Drew said...

a bit too close to the mark for comfort, Mr Q

Bill Quango MP said...

Andrew: you might have misunderstood the parliamentary tweet language.

For those unused to the regular hop-hop, Minister's with attitude speak of the Westminster hood
FMBA means ... Well, the last three words are "my bank account. "

( or in some cases fire my bad accountant.)

andrew said...

It is no coincidence that every meeting of the builderburg group has been in a place that is good for FMBA
or other closely allied activity - indeed some say the group came into existence about the same time as the bicycle was invented.

DtP said...

Surely everyone with a balance of over £100k is starting to open up bank accounts for their dog, cat, hamster & chickens. There's some daft nation - Estonia maybe, who still want to join the Euro. Cheers Bill.

Electro-Kevin said...

This on top of the 500 top performing fleas killed by frost at the German Flea Circus. (Reported on Ceefax)

Unbearable news.

Site web maroc said...

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Agence communication said...

great article really "" In every country in Europe levies on bank deposits were enacted last night. A 9.9% tax for all bank accounts exceeding 100,000 euros and 6.7% on anything below that.
Every business bank account, investment account, savings and ordinary account was included.

Herman Van Rompuy, leader of the European council,made a brief statement to journalists.

"The Euro crisis is over! The debt is gone. The banks are solvent and Europe is saved!"

He said there will be a full ECB statement later today.
He refused to take any questions but did confirm to journalists that all banks in Europe would remain closed until Wednesday and when asked if exchange controls were being introduced replied,
"there is some possibility, yes."""

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