Monday 11 November 2013

Leak Exclusive: Milliband Labour election winning policy

Not content this weekend with a single new policy announcement, something to do with payday loans all being a bit mean and should that they should have restricted advertising, Ed Milliband is going to announce his most revolutionary change yet; and it has been exclusively leaked to C@W from the Labour press office ahead of its announcement at 4pm tomorrow.

Not content with the just the policy announcements of recent weeks that will see energy prices frozen and wages rise for all under a Milliband Administration, tomorrow sees the most ambitious statement of intent yet from the Labour leader:

"If the British people choose a Labour Government at the next election, then the Government that I lead will see to it that rain is banned. Not all rain to start with, but certainly between 4pm and 5pm on Tuesdays. We need more happiness in the Country for our poor people who have had a miserable time under this Coalition. Everyone has been suffering for decades under a capitalist, laissez-faire, market-based approach to our national Weather management. Even if it is only for one hour a week to start with, before we can raise the taxes on bankers enough to expand the hours offered, people will be able to make special plans and the most of Tuesday afternoons. Our children will get to play in the parks, dogs walked.The increase in revenues from shopping alone will more than cover the costs of the thousands of chemical artillery rounds that will be used to break up the clouds. The jobs created in the munitions factories will also be beneficial to the economy and we have estimated that the net boost of this policy will be £3 billion a year.

However, only the most deserving postcodes will benefit and rich, low-rain zones such as Surrey, Chelsea and Kent will not benefit from the new policy (Westminster will be an exception). This will be a targeted, progressive measure. The jobs created in the munitions factories will also be beneficial to the economy and we have estimated that the net boost of this policy will be £3 billion a year. Soon after its successful implementation we will look to expand the policy to bring through even more social cohesiveness and economic benefits.

For so long this Coalition has denied poorer people the right even to a dry afternoon, even when the power is in its hands and it has been proven a net economic gain; clearly their anti-poor political stance has been at the forefront of their minds to lead to such a dereliction of duty. My administration will be of an altogether different and progressive mindset"

How will the Government possibly challenge such an audacious bid. I understand that focus-group polling by the Labour party has seen 100% of responders confirm that they are not very keen or even don't like rain and are very supportive of a policy which reduces rain. we can only await the Government response, but with nearly two years until and election, perhaps the Government has time to form its own policy and perhaps even go the whole hog and ban rain altogether?


Nick Drew said...

This is what is known technically in policy-wonk circles as Cnut-style Policy

and Mili - once a prize wonker himself - is certainly now a price cnut

Bill Quango MP said...

I have alrfy been working with the Business sec on this. The government is aware of the popularity of this idea but believes it can outflank le Rouge Edouard.

Rather than foolishly trying to prevent rain, the coalition will issue umbrellas to those to poor to buy one themselves.
And these umbrellas, some 2 million of them, will be sourced from British importers, who employ EU nationals, so ensuring a smidgen of work for this great nation.

It is estimated the import duty paid will go some of the way to offsetting the £54.99 cost to the coalition of each £1 Chinese umbrella ditributed to a means tested pauper. Subject to EU rulings, challenges from the union of umbrella sellers, chamber of commerce of London souvenir shops and ECHR rulings on why umbrellas are not free to all at the point of use.

Beat that!

andrew said...

My expectations were dashed.

I expected Milli to steal that great Morecambe and Wise political policy :

'Free Bannanas for all!'

Demetrius said...

Will Wet Wet Wet be doing the campaign song?

john miller said...

As an extension of this policy it is understood that the Shadow Cabinet are drawing up contingency plan whereby new graduates, for the first year after university will be enrolled in the SWaCanG, to be funded by the fat cat energy companies.

The SwaCanGers will patrol areas where, due to Tory interference in the grand dry Tuesday afternoon plan, there is the danger of crop failure. The State Watering Can Group will then spring into action and save the farmers.

This will reduce unemployment by 20 million and provide a net economic gain of £9 billion.

Anonymous said...

What have CU and pals been drinking, must have been potent stuff, Liebore come up with daft ideas but not that daft. Maybe they may implement a working trial to seed clouds, especially when there is dense cloud and no sign of rain to make it rain. Having said that, there might be some in the tea party Cons. who would swallow it hook line and sinker.

Kilgore Trout said...

Is anybody else as perplexed as I am about the fact that Miliband holds a PhD in economics and has taught at Harvard? How does someone with his background end up coming out with economically illiterate drivel like the Energy Price Freeze? And, moreover, why are the supposedly free-market Tories unable to convey how recklessly stupid his 'flagship' policy proposal really is?

Blue Eyes said...

It worked the other way around in 1976.

Timbo614 said...

So all Tuesdays will be like this again... Tuesday Afternoon

just like they were back in the day:)

Nick Drew said...

K.Trout, I share your amazement

it ought to be a pivotal moment in UK politics

(and maybe it will be ... but not necessarily in the way it should)

Mark Wadsworth said...

About time too.

For too long have our governments ignored the bad weather, unless they are using it as an excuse to warble about global warming.

It's time for action!

PS, why Tuesday afternoon? Try keeping Monday morning rush hour rain free, that's the worst.

Ryan said...

Please do not joke like this! Before you know it the f*ckers will be using it as an excuse to send their voters on free holidays to Spain at my expense!