Saturday, 14 January 2017

Jeremy Corbyn relaunch press conference


{video - Guido Fawkes H/T}

Jeremy Tramp, leader twice elect so far, is at his relaunch press conference with his all new 'can-do' combative, audacious, outrageous style.

 " My friends..I just want to say ..how great it is to be here..its truly a great thing ..to be at the center of local-world socialism ..the Fabian Society...a great and ..wondrous thing and its an honour for the members of the press to speak to me...I will be taking questions in just a second. But not from anyone from a fake news channel. 
But firstly, I want to talk about this failure..in our medical-healthcare sickness system. I am concerned, personally and deeply, deeply and personally concerned about long term care for the vulnerable, elderly, confused people in society who are being taken advantage of by unscrupulous union bosses or shadow chancellors ..no wait? ..It says don't say that ..just a ..momentum here...Ok .. Vulnerable old and frail, sickly looking, ancient, willowy, reedy armed old men..who are being failed by Camerocare.
 Camerocare..is a total failure..A total costly failure. The privatisation of social care instead of being solely something for the government to mess with..He..Mr Cameron..he messed around with social care and ruined it for everyone. Everyone..and I'm going to put a stop to it. So very frail and weak old men...or ladies..but especially grey-bearded men..can have the care they need in their looming, imminent,old age. And i'll tell you how I am going to do it. The same way that made this country great..Like it was in the 1970s. By Nationalisation. 

 {crowd cheers enthusiastically}

We are going to nationalise..EVERYTHING. Roads..Buildings..Hospitals..Shoe Shops.. Children..clouds..cats.. Everything, folks. Ok ..thank you for that rapturous applause. I will now take some questions..yes..You sir..Graham Ilyanovich..Islington Gazette ..yes ..you go ahead..

 "Thank you Mr Tramp. Can you answer those who say you are getting too old to be Prime Minister?" 

"Well..my good friend..Fidel Castro..he was 90 years old and still running the best healthcare systems in the world. If you don't count any of the other, much better ones. Look..I am a very healthy guy..I eat only vegan food and drink only turnip wine..I cycle all the time and get lots of exercise running away from difficult situations..So I am in great shape..great shape..better than 'Diabetes' May, eh?

..Yes..you madam.. who is that. Romilly Weeks.. ITV..the "I Luv Theresa Vision?..You are fake news..I'm not answering...next question..No ..no...not you..next question.I won't talk to ITV fake News...Stop talking  - I'm moving on ..you ..Daily mail..Quentin Letts - the funnies guy..

 "Daily Mail - How on earth will you stop high net wealth individuals from fleeing this natonalised, regressive, communist, Cuba like nation?" 

"I am glad you asked ..And , by the way, its not a Cuba model. I want to go full Venezuela.. The answer is very simple. Our Russian friends had the answer years ago .The corporates are going to get the bill for this one..  

"We .. are ..Going to build a Berlin style Wall. And Texaco is going to pay for it!"
{crowd applauds loudly - they like this slogan}

 "You don't seem to have any ability to lead the Labour Party, Mr Tramp!" 

 "Who ..is that..the Biassed BBC.... That's another beauty..Listen..I have lots of ability..I have great ability ..my friends are always talking about my Huge ability..So you don't have any worry on that score..I have fantastic ability..I am very able. I was ably when I was in my twenties and I am abling now. I have great, lasting, ability. Youge Ability..Bigly so..
Next question please..You ..Mrs Sky lady..with the nice rack.."

"Mr Tramp. Do you want to respond to these damning allegations about the Russians?" 
{mutterings and discontent from the audience. They don't like the question}

 "You see..this is more fake news..from the rigged media..the system..is rigged..Let me tell you ..I don't  know Vladimir Putin.. I work for Vladimir Putin on his Russia Today channel..But I have never met him personally. When I used to go to Russia during the cold war, he wasn't there. I have great respect for Mr Putin. Great respect. But he doesn't pay me..Except for the TV work I just mentioned. I think he and I could do business. If he wanted to resurrect the USSR, I would be very happy with that.  ..This report about certain activities I'm supposed to indulge in. At night ..in a hotel room ...is just lies. Its..Fake News.

Let me tell you .. ..The outrageous report that I was filmed being a typical lefty bedwetter is totally..undeniably ..untrue.
I wear TENA Maxi plus nighttime pants...nothing leaks out! I never leak. And you know ..I am a bit of a germaphobe. I don't like to connect with anybody. That's why my policies are deliberately so bizarre. And this bed I was supposed to have had an accident in? Because it was once slept in by Cherie and Tony Blair? Well..You know my thoughts on them..

Folks .. You know why they want to rig the system to keep people like me from setting up a commission of my own? I said, as my first act as Prime Minister, I would investigate Tony Blair's illegal Iraq war." And Alistair Campbell said that was why I was unfit to be leader..
And I said  "Because you'd be in jail!" 

{crowd cheers and loudly chants - lock him up! lock him up! lock him up!} 

My friends ..That's it ..no more questions..Let us just work together or apart, to end this corrupt, capitalist system.. and 
"MAKE RUSSIA GREAT AGAIN ! "

{wild cheering and applause. Jeremy throws his Lenin cap into the crowd! Placards wave and band strikes up "Back in the USSR"}

9 comments:

Suff said...

Cheering and wild applause to you Bill

James Higham said...

??????

Nick Drew said...

How did the new Team Corbyn persuade him to go Trump? Whatever became of his legendary sea-green incorruptibility? No wonder Hunt's off.

James Higham said...

Theresa May in perpetuity then, eh?

Anonymous said...

Or maybe that 80s sweetspot where the Tories provided government and opposition at the same time!

andrew said...

TM in perpetuity...

It may start to feel like that.

I know a number of grassroot labour supporters and they are all good people genuinely trying to make this country better (just not in a way I agree with).
I listen to a lot of their well informed debate from people who have real insight/ideas on how to solve the country's problems (again just not in a way I agree with).

Once you get to mentioning the leadership, it all gets a bit more difficult.

It is not just JC who is generally thought of as an actor with real name Frothy McNutjob; it is the whole front bench when they are not talking about the NHS - and this is with very little attack from the Cons.
(even if most other services are actually fraying at the edges).

One lesson from history:

TB/GB gained fiscal credibility by making the BOE independent and allowing them to set rates etc.
TM could get NHS credibility by making the NHS independent and allowing them to set rates etc - change NI cont to NHS cont.

The other lesson from history:

Many thought TB/GB were whizzy until we got poorer.

Anonymous said...

"most other services are actually fraying at the edges"

The question is, why are all these services fraying at the edges ?

Is it just the big increase in the population ? Or is it the gradual replacement of productive jobs in most organisations by administrative and parasitic jobs such as those in human resources, equality and diversity, marketing and image, health and safety, assistants to assistants to management, etc etc.

The advent of IT has made all this worse, as it adds heavy costs with no increase in efficiency.

Don Cox

Electro-Kevin said...

Extremely good !

CityUnslicker said...

Anon - we need those jobs though to have an economy. If we lost all the make work jobs in society we would have mass unemployment. There has not been enough thought given over to this aspect of society of late. A longer point in another post perhaps.