Friday 19 October 2018

Fork Handles - Brexit version

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  {In this sketch Ronnie Corbett is playing the UK Shopkeeper and Ronnie Barker playing the EU negotiator customer}
    In a hardware shop. The shopkeeper (Ronnie Corbett) is behind the counter, wearing a warehouse jacket and a hat. He has just finished serving a customer.

    Shopkeeper: (muttering): There you are. Mind how you go.
    (another customer (Ronnie Barker) enters the shop, wearing a scruffy tank-top and beanie and holding a list. He is a bit simple The customer stands by the counter and begins to read items he wants from his list.

    Customer: "Bore, Door."
    Shopkeeper: "Bore, door?"
    Customer: "Bore, Door.
    Shopkeeper: "Bore, door? You want to bore a door. For a lock, you mean?"
    Customer: "Yeah..Bore, Door."

 (The shopkeeper makes for a box, and gets out flat drill bits. He places them on the counter)

    Customer: "No, Bore Door!"
    Shopkeeper: (confused): "Well there you are. These will bore doors!"
    Customer: {Not happy with the items adds an explanation.} "No, bor-der! Border for trade!"

    Shopkeeper. {annoyed} "That's a bor-dah, that is. Not a Bor-door. Anyway you said you wanted it for locks."
    Customer." I do. Triple Locks. European."
    (The shopkeeper goes to another box, and gets out a border agreement document. In Gaelic.. He places it on the counter)
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    Shopkeeper - "Anything else?"
    Customer: "Mugs?"
    Shopkeeper: "Tea mugs, you mean. I've got mugs."  
 {He goes to the far end of the store and comes back with a set of four coffee mugs}
    Customer:{stares at item. Then slowly says..} 
 " idiots. like..Remoaners."

    Shopkeeper: "Oh..Mugs! You mean Mugs. Not mugs. Yes..I've got a list of Mugs. Here.."
 {puts a dossier on the counter} 
 "These are all registered Liberal Democrats. They're all Mugs. They'll support anything you suggest."
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    Customer: "Got any 'Oes?"
    (Shopkeeper: "Hoes. Yes we have hoes."
  {Goes along the back wall and selects a hoe, and places it on the counter)

    Customer: {Stares blankly at the item. Then at his list. Then says..}
 " No, Os!"

    Shopkeeper: "Oh..'Ose! I thought you said 'oes!" 
 (he takes the hoe back, and gets a garden hose, whilst muttering) 
 "When you said "Os", I thought you said "'hoes"! 'Ose!"
    (He places the hose onto the counter)

    Customer: "No, Os!"

    (Shopkeeper takes away the hose. Goes to the rear of the shop and climbs up a stepladder, gets a box down, puts the ladder away, and takes the box to the counter, and searches through it for letter O)

    Shopkeeper: "How many d'you want?"
    Customer: "Thirty nine Billion."

    Shopkeeper: (confused for a moment) "39 billion? letter Os?"
    Customer: " No, no, Os! Os for the Brexit Bill. Owes! Owes!"
   Shopkeeper: "What? In pound sterling you mean? That the UK Owes?"
    Customer. "No. You owes"
    Shopkeeper.{reacting angrily} "Me owes? I don't owes..You're getting on my wick.."
    Customer: "Nahh..Not You owes. Euros."
    Shopkeeper: "Oh.I see. Euros. That's what you mean..Uk owes Euros..I see..How many do you want, again?"
    Customer "Thirty Nine Billion."
    Shopkeeper {muttering and looking in the box}  "39 billion..what a joke..I'll have to order some more in."
    {He takes the box back, gets the ladder out again,climbs up and puts the box away, climbs down the ladder, and puts the ladder away, then returns to the counter)

    Shopkeeper: "Yes, next?"
    Customer. "Erm...A, P's."

    Shopkeeper: (now very annoyed): "For Gawd's sake, why didn' you bleedin' tell me that while I was up there then? I'm up and down the shop already, it's up and down the bleedin' shop all the time."
    (He gets the ladder out again, climbs up and gets the box of letters down again, then puts the ladder away) 
 "Honestly, I've got all this shop, I ain't got any help, she's on her tea-break it's a lot of work for one."
   (He puts the box on the counter, and gets out some letter P's)
"How many d'you want? One was it?"

    Customer: "No! A peas! Appease!"
    Shopkeeper: "You're 'avin' me on, ain't ya, yer 'avin' me on? Eh? "
    Customer: "I'm not!"
    (The shopkeeper dumps the box under the counter, and goes and gets a copy of the Munich Agreement of 1938.)
"Yes? Next?"
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    Customer: "Got any 'edges?"
    Shopkeeper: "Hedges..Hedges you want? I'll have to go out the back..So you are sure you want an Hedge. Don't waste my time! Hedges. Like for a border? "
    Customer: "Yeah."
{Shopkeeper goes out back and returns with a garden supplies catalogue. He leafs through to the garden borders page. The customer looks at him. Blank faced he says }

Customer: "No 'Edges. Edges - For cliffs. Cliff-Edges. Crashing over, like."

    Shopkeeper - {very annoyed closes the book and takes it to the back area. Returns and finds a border edging trimmer and places it on the counter.} "I haven't got all day You want anything else?"

Customer: "Washers"
(Shopkeeper finds a box of washers and puts it on the counter. He begins searching through.)

"What size..1.5mm? 3 mm ..Plastic? Stainless steel?"
Customer: "Dishwashers."

Shopkeeper "Dishwashers? You said washers!" {Exasperated!} "These are washers. You mean electrical appliances. Dishwashers."
(He pulls out another catalogue from under the counter and bangs it down.)
  "What do you want. Bosch. Hotpoint?"
Customer: "Romanian."  

Shopkeeper: "Beg your pardon?"
Customer: "Romanian. Romanian dishwashers. For pubs and cafes."

Shopkeeper:  "What!" (He very nearly breaks, and snatches the customer's list) "Look, I've had just about enough of this, give us that list." (He mutters) "I'll get it all myself! What's this!"
(Reading through the list) 
 "What's that, polish?"
(He goes and gets a can of polish.)
"Mr Sheen. For wood. Alright?"
Customer: "No. Polish. like..from Poland. For hospital wards. Farms and windscreens."

Shopkeeper. (Sighs. Resignedly takes away the can of polish. Looks down the list.)
 "Drafts? You have drafts?"  
(Goes up the ladder again and locates drawer of draught excluders. Calls down to customer)
 "What do you want? Brush or plastic?"
Customer: "Plastic."
(Reluctant to come back down without the full product details explored.)
Shopkeeper: "Black or white?"
Customer: "Black and white."
Shopkeeper: "Ah-ha! That's two, then. Thought you could mess me about there, didn't you? Get me to come down with one and then send me back for another. I've just about had enough of this Brexit nonsense, I can tell you." 
(Comes back down the ladder and puts two draught excluders on the counter. One black. One white.
Customer looks at them and shakes his head.)

"Naw. Draughts. Black and white. For Chequers."

(Shopkeeper finally snaps) " Oh that does it! That just about does it! I have just about had enough of this!" 
 (calling through to the back)
  "Miss Brahms! You come out and serve this customer please, I have just about had enough of 'im." (The shapely Miss Brahms comes out, and the shopkeeper shows her the list)
"Look what 'e's got on there! Look what 'e's got on there! It's disgusting!"
(he exits through the back)

Miss Brahms, leaning slightly forward to reveal a full cleavage asks,

 "So Sir? What type of European Union Knockers would you like?"


E-K said...

The modern version should have been in a sex shop, surely ? No-one does DIY anymore and the punchline could have seen someone bent over the counter.

V.good anyway.

Anoneumouse said...

@ E-K
Surely, a sex shop sells lots of DIY items??

A Modern version a 'Chinese takeaway sex shop' foo king yew

CityUnslicker said...


Raedwald said...

Superb! Just the Jobbie for POET! Beer tongue on!

david morris said...

We are not worthy, BQ

Anonymous said...


Surely just needs the follow up with the Saudi's take on Monty Python's Dead Parrot *cough*Journalist*cough* sketch...

E-K said...

The Black Night sketch

"Now stand aside, worthy adversary."

"It's just a scratch."

"Just a scratch ? Your arm's off !"

E-K said...