The Brownadder tries for a Fourth term
new BBC comedy/farce
new BBC comedy/farce
Captain Brownadder is in his bunker addressing Private Ballsdrick and Lieutenant Geoff Hoon.
"This is a crisis. A large crisis. A fourteen storey crisis with acres of glass windows, marble floors, a fountain in the foyer and an RBS logo bolted above the door. I've just received orders that there are to be Euro elections "
"Hurrah and Huzzah!"beamed Lt Geoff happily. "A chance to get out among the masses and put the labour message to the test."
"Geoff. It is not a time for rejoicing,"scowled Cpt Brownadder.
"Why's that sir?" asked a slightly slow Pte Ballsdrick.
"Because we'll be massacred before you can say 'Glasgow East'. Our popularity has fallen faster than a Lloyd's bank share."
BrownAdder paced across his small bunker and sat on his cot. He needed to think.
"Why not call off the elections then sir? I mean, just tell the Frogs to hoppit and kick Mrs Kaiser up the Jacqsi and boot the eyetie wallah, whassisname.. Armando Iannucci, round the plaza."
Brownadder grabbed a Nokia from an ammunition box and hurled it at Lt Geoff.
"You really are a complete Timney! Its a Euro Election. I can't tell Europe what to do. No one can. We must hold the Euro elections, but we must win them, or i'll be out the door as fast as Cherie Blair is to attend a repossessed property auction in Belgravia."
"I have a cunning plan sir" said Pte Ballsdrick.
"Really Ballsdrick," said Brownadder wearily. "As cunning as an MP's second homes staying in the sister's back bedroom housing allowance fiddle?"
"As cunning as a top rate 2p tax cut, that is really a 1op tax rise?"
"Go on then...if you must"
Pte Ballsdrick began to outline his scheme.
"Well, the way I see it is, if the Tories mobilise their support, and then the Lib Dems mobilise their support, and then the SNP mobilise their support then we won't win"
Brownadder spluttered with incredulity. "Ballsdrick, that's as obvious as a 2.5% VAT cut won't encourage spending!"
"But here's the cunning bit sir. If we mobilise all our support AND some extra support then we win."
"And where do we get this extra support from? We can't bring in any more Somalians, they're making a fortune as pirates."
"No sir. We make them"
"We make them. I see. you mean you and I and Lt Geoff.."
"Have sex with girls. " leered Ballsdrick.
"Ballsdrick. That is the most useless plan since I told everyone we could rebuild the economy by lagging each others lofts. First we need some willing, possibly blind girls. Then we need to impregnate them. And then we need to wait 18 years until their offspring are old enough to vote. And in case you hadn't noticed the elections are in 2 months time"
"Ahh. There's always a tiny flaw isn't there sir?"
But then Lt Geoff piped up.
"He might be right though sir"
"Why? He never has been before. Sats tests, exam marking, lottery school placements, higher education funding, school leaving age raised to eighteen but completely unfunded...."
"But sir, if we artificially create more voters somehow, well, then we would be quite likely to win."
"Ok,I'll work on something"sighed Brownadder. "Give me that fag packet that you used to work out the necessary troop commitment for Afghanistan on."
"That's not a fag packet sir.. That's a postal vote. Would you like to use it? Sir, Sir! I say Ballsdrick, he's gone!"
to be continued