Lord Brownadder is at home with upper class twit Lord Shauny Woodward, heir to the Duchy of Sainsbury, and his servant Ballsdrick. He needs to conceive a plan to restore the nations, and his own fortunes.
"Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow.....
That's how long I'll be in power if we don't come up with something quick. The Queen wants to put my head on her FaceBlock page and my glass eye for a marble."
"Some beans and some beans is four beans my Lord" said Ballsdrick.
"Shut up Ballsdrick. You had your chance to be Lord Chancellor at the reshuffle and you muffed it. We need a cunning plan. So cunning it could come back after resigning twice, having insulted the leader and divided the party and walk off with the top job. That kind of cunning."
"Well Gordmund, why not just use some of the thousands of pounds that you have raised in taxes over the last twelve years. Or the money from the monastery re-nationalisation scheme," asked Lord Shauny, trying to be helpful.
"There is no money dimwit. I've spent every last penny."
"But Gordmund, you're always saying how clever you are. How you have discovered a third way. How you have created wealth to last until judgement day."
"And Judgement day has come. There is no third way. Just a cunning web of half truths, rounded up statistics and double counting. "
"You mean that you have been fibbing," asked Sir Shauny in a shocked voice.
"Of course. Oh look. Shauny. We are leading the Tories by Ten points in the latest YouGov opinion poll. And my personal approval rating is higher than Joanna Lumley's!"
"Really!" exclaimed Sir Shauny.
"No you idiot. Come the election we are going to sink faster than the Mary Rose.
Remember when it rained last month and you said I should fix the roof, and I said bugger that, its only Ballsdrick's bedroom. Well, I should have fixed the roof. The storm is upon us."
"But how could you have spent such a princely sum? It was a papal amount"
"Well lets see. The academies for children, the poor law costs, free milk for snipes .. not means tested either. How was I to know everyone has seven or more children? The Infirmaries and alchemists and barbers shops free at the point of use. Who'd have thought a plague would come?
Free Barge travel for the over 40's OAP's.
Begging bowls for the poor. The never ending wars with Ireland and Spain. Regional palaces. The Great Universities. Awards of high offices to cronies. The building of a navy, Light entertainment from The Bard's Boards Company. Funding for all that Renaissance art.
Then all those parliamentary bills. They all cost gold. Gold that I decided to sell off at the bottom of the market. I thought those galleons would just keep on coming like the applause for Sarah at a party conference. Hunting with Falcons bill, the lilly, root and arsenic additives bill, All those feasts for the churches.. .it was all so popular.
The Queen loved it and so loved me. We must find some more money."
"My Lord, I have an idea" said Ballsdrick.
"Well I hope its better than the one you had about me signing the Lisbon Treaty in a room on my own. I looked a right pratt."
"Yes sir. We enrol the help of the greatest spin physician in England. Sir Alistair Cowbell. And the greatest merchant, Sir Alan Sugarcane"
"Desperate times call for desperate measures and I haven't looked this desperate since I did that youTube video. Fetch them at once Ballsdrick."
To be continued ...
Brownadder the Second rate. Pt 1..