Wednesday 18 November 2009

Queen's speech - continued

My government will set out its legislative platform for the coming parliament. My government will continue to lead the way in the economic management of the country. My government is also continuing to put the welfare of the people of Britain first and believes in a caring welfare state to protect them. It also believes in a robust economy, and a halving of the national debt by 2014. My government believes in pretending to legislate for further devolution of Scotland and Wales. The government also believes in completely unfunded free care for the elderly, new railway stations for labour voters, space hoppers for children, a bill to encourage the invention of domestic robots for hardworkingfamilies.

My government is an aspirational government and firmly believes in Magic, The Bermuda Triangle, The tooth fairy, witches taking the form of cats, Santa Claus, that Red Bull is really good for your health, UFO's and unfunded public sector pensions.
My government really believes that the winner of the X factor is always the most talented, that utility companies have the best interests of consumers at heart, owning the banks will encourage greater lending. My government has a strong belief that Emus can really fly but choose not too , That MP's are appointed to high office on merit not loyalty, climate change is not just a scheme to raise taxes, films with Ben Affleck make money, broken biscuits contain no calories and that the Lib Dems have a fair chance of forming a majority government.

Finally, my government would like to state its unshakable, iron like belief in Aliens, the Loch Ness monster, it all started in America, the 5p being a really user friendly coin, Northern rock will generate a profit for the taxpayer, magic beans, Gordon Brown campaigning for Tony Blair to be president of Europe will be a benefit, Pokemon, zombies stalking the earth at night, werewolves, recycling, telepathy, age reducing skin cream, Scotland would beat England at soccer,Dr Who, Hades, that the EU is about to sign off its accounts, crime really has reduced since 1997, if you cut open a tennis ball it contains poison gas, printing money doesn't cause inflation, peace for everyone and an end to all war,hunger,poverty,disease,discomfort,irritations,niggles and ennui. Most importantly my government steadfastly believes that it will win the next election.

I commend this fantasy speech to the bin.


Hairy Arsed Bloke said...

At least the believe in Dr Who so they can't be all that bad.

If we all close our eyes and think 'Doctor' at the same time, everything will work out fine.

Anonymous said...

I commend this fantasy speech to the bin.

Together with browns balls.

Mark Wadsworth said...

You meanie. Couldn't you have promised all children their own pony or a place in a Premiership soccer team?

A bloody space hopper is not quite enough to buy my vote, thank you very much.

Budgie said...

You missed the corker from a trade unionist some weeks ago that our debts didn't matter because it was just some UK citizens owing other UK citizens, so wasn't really a reduction in actual wealth. Yes, really.

He might as well have added that it was all Thatcher's fault, thereby confirming his complete looniness.