We're going to the opera again at the weekend - German, this time ...
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Toni and Cheri, our two indefatigable seekers after wealth, have come to Germany in search of the fabled Golden Sinecure (Das Rheingold). They approach a fat German banker and Toni introduces himself. But the banker is not impressed – didn’t Toni lose office more than two years ago ? Ruefully, Toni admits this is true, and sings the lament Zwei Jahre sind dahin, Dulde, schweige, mein Herz! (two years, dude, and it still hurts!). He suggests that, for a modest consideration, he could make an after-dinner speech.
The banker is strangely moved, and offers a fee of $5,000. But Cheri, disgusted with this miserable sum, pushes Toni aside and gives the shrill soprano aria: Fünftausend Taler!... Träum oder wach' ich? (five thousand bucks ! – am I dreaming, or what ?).
Not for the first time, Toni is forced to apologise for his wife, and explain that she is just a humble Scouse lass on the make - Lass Er doch hören (she’s a bit of a whore). He stresses that other banks value his services greatly, singing Wie freundlich strahlt die holde Morgensonne (how generous are the shareholders of Morgan Stanley). He wheedles and pleads - even Cheri is shocked by his conduct, and in an aside sings: Gott, der du schauest! (God, you’re a shyster !)
Eventually the banker can stand no more, saying he must leave to confer with colleagues before he can make a better offer. Toni responds to the mention of more money with Wie schön ist doch die Musik (how beautiful – that’s music to my ears).
As they sit alone in the banker’s gloomy anteroom, a mysterious figure enters, and Toni regales the stranger with his woes: Ich suche vergebens nach Ruhe (I’ve been sucking-up in vain, all over the Ruhr).
Then he recognizes the figure: it is the ghost of David Kelly ! The phantom intones, in basso profundo: Bei diesem schlimmen Fall (by these slippery dealings, you will fall). Toni rounds on the apparition defiantly: he was right to attack Iraq because, well, because he wanted to, singing Ich war, wenn ich erwache (I’ll go to war whenever I please). But the shade is unmoved, and parts with a silent reproach. The curtain falls on Toni singing mournfully So bin ich verraten (so, that’s me f****d).