Saturday 3 April 2010


Brownadder. The Final Chapter.

GHQ to all brigades. Enemy massing- Gaining strength -Best form of defence is offence - have bought back Tony Blair to cause maximum offence - All brigades ready for final assault on strong dividing lines - Scots Labour Highlanders to advance on extreme left with 3rd Plaid Cymru in support. Brownadder's company to advance on centre ground, moving ever so slightly left. Top Secret-Top Secret. -Offensive date is May 6th.- No one will guess this date except a few thousand million voters, so we maintain the element of surprise. Advance under cover of a fog of statistics and gas from John Prescott. Unfortunately no extra cash available for extra weapons, body armour or grenades. But take heart. Military spending has risen every year since 1997 if you don't count the years where it didn't. Replacement helicopters, spy planes, anti-roadside bomb robots and fast armoured transports will be with you within six years. Good luck.

"There is a green hill far away .... I will be watching results from there."

General Sir Peter Hartley-Paul Mandelchett, Lord of Foy.

Labour Party HQ.


“What’s it like out there with the activists Ballsdrick.” Asked Captain Brownadder of his lowly, but loyal batman, as Ballsdrick entered the bunker, dust blowing down the steps from the blasts of nearby shells.

“Not too good sir. They’re mostly running away from voters and tearing up their party badges and dumping your posters in the river,” answered Ballsdrick brushing the dirt from his battledress.

“I see. How’s the online ‘Obama style - Sarah Twitter’ campaign team doing?”

“Mostly they’re just watching your Downfall Youtubes sir.”

“Right. So Its not looking good. Time to make my phone call and get this cunning plan up and running.”

Brownadder picked up the receiver and wound up the field phone. “ Herman Van Rompuy at the European Parliament please... Yes, it’s very urgent.”

“That sounds like a Hun name sir?”said Ballsdrick.

“This is a crisis Ballsdrick. I’d bugger the Kaiser himself if it would bring me five more years of power.”

“So would I sir! Even if it didn’t, “leered Ballsdrick.

“Be quiet Ballsdrick. You’ve been about as good for me as Joanna Lumley.”

“I’m just so keen to go over the top and count up our vote share tomorrow sir.”

“You always go over the top Ballsdrick. Look at the bloody CRB checks for parents fiasco. That’s why we are in this mess in the first place. Now shut up while I make this call.”

Brownadder was suddenly connected.. "Field Marshall Van Rompuy here. Hullo?"

“Its Captain Brownadder here Field Marshall Van Rompuy.”

“Good lord Brownie! Haven’t seen you since.."

“2005 sir. The Lisbon Pass? We passed on the referendum..”

“Lisbon Pass, by Jingo yes.” Said the Field Marshall with delight. ” We sure gave those voters a good squashing. I owe my job to you Brownie. If you hadn’t come along and saved the damned treaty that day.. If it weren’t for you that Farage man with the sharpened UKIP flag could have seriously..”

“Well quite” interrupted Brownadder. “And do you remember what you told me then? If I was ever in real trouble, if I ever really needed a favour then the EU would do everything it could to help me out? “

“Yes..Yes I do. What can I do for you, ask away man” said Rumpoy.

“Well, its the big vote tomorrow and I’m not all that keen on having an election.”

“Oh I see.. Well we believe in elections here in Brussels.”

“Really? We hadn’t noticed the EU being in favour of democracy here” murmured Brownadder.

“Yes. Well. Not for us of course. But for you. Its good for the little peoples to have meaningless votes and pointless changes of government. Keeps them out of our hair, eh what?” chortled Herman.

“But not so good for me personally,” pointed out Brownadder quietly.

“Ahh, yes.. well you see, it’s tricky, 27 EU states have to ratify any ..”

“It was a particularly vicious U-turn that I had to perform wasn’t it sir?” interrupted Captain Brownadder.

“Ok. This is most irregular but you have been loyal. Well then ,Here you are. This has been tried and tested already. Berlusconi swears by it. First ,you need to control all the newspapers, radio and TV stations..”

“Well , I’ve got BBC TV and radio sewn up already. The Mirror and Guardian .Partial Telegraph too...”

“Good. That should do it. Now all you have to do is sleep with a load of sexy young girls, have divorce proceedings begun against you for being an adulterous randy old goat and get a model of St Paul's thrown in your face. The electorate will flock to you in droves.”

“I see...” said Gordmund. “Does it really have to be girls?”

“Of course Man. The foxier the better. And have a beautiful young MP named as your lover. Or appoint luscious hot young women to parliament. You do have some stunning women MPs in your party don’t you? I can't seem to remember their faces but the names... I seem to remember.. Blears? Smith? Eagles? Moran ? Flint ?”

Brownadder thought for a bit and said, “I'm not sure they would be suitable. Anyway they’ve all gone. I’ve really only got Harman.”

There was stunned silence from the telephone.

Rumpoy queries ” You did say you wanted to WIN an election?”

“OK..It won’t work. What else have you got?” asked Brownadder.

“Well... you could strip off your top and ride ponies into rivers while shooting at fish with a shotgun and fighting bears. That works for some Russian Presidents.”

Brownadder felt his flabby stomach and considered how he would appear stripped to the waist in a dog pit.

“Look. I'm not Boris Johnson. Got anything else?” he asked.

“Well, If you have a sexy babe like Carla Bruni or Michele Obama then its best to announce a pregnancy right now. I’m sorry I can’t quite recall your wife. Is she a newspapers front page dream? If she got out of a car,and had, erm, shall we say forgotten a certain undergarment, would that make the front pages? A sort of ‘leave it to beaver’ strategy.

There was more silence from Brownadder. This was about as helpful as a British Airways customer service desk he thought.

“I think it would make the front page Rompoy. But wouldn’t necessarily win any votes. Besides, regarding pregnancy, the enemy has already occupied that particular hill.”

Very well Brownadder.But this is the last one. This is the clincher OK. But if I do fix it for you I never want to see or hear from you again is that clear?

“Suits me Rumpy!” smiled Brownadder

“Right. Start acting a bit loopy and let your face sag. Clench and clunk your fist and shake your hand in anger a lot. Put out rumours that you are on medication and throw furniture and electrical devices around your office in a great temper. Look sad and remote and the voters will think you’ve had a stroke and vote you in on a wave of sympathy. Right, favour returned “ said Von Rompoy and ended the call.

Brownadder sat at his desk and stared at the silent phone. He was suddenly very tired.

He went outside the bunker to join his platoon in the trench.


“Sir, I’m scared sir, “said Captain Geoff Hoon. “I’m the last of the fresh faced, optimistic, New Labour Blairites of ’97. I don’t want to be deselected. Not awful keen on facing the electorate at all. In fact..I won’t bother.”

“I’m scared too sir” added Ballsdrick. “I’m the last of the diehard, ultra left, smearing bruiser Brownies.. I wanted to get to the top, not get the chop.”

“Yes. Its all been a bit pointless hasn't it. The voters may see the terrible waste of millions, the never ending, cloying, mud of our own bureaucracy and the feeble, costly, asthmatic progress towards our goals as not much of an achievement," reflected Brownadder. " They might not believe the total loss of a generation and spending more treasure than it took to fight all of the Empire’s war’s in history, was worth it. Just to be able to say 'we promise 2 meg broadband for all, within another ten years.”

“Not really Sir, no.” Said Ballsdrick slowly. “I mean, I’m just an average, poor working class private from the rough end of Westminster but I don’t seem to have benefited from endogenous growth theory at all.”

“That’s because it was all bollocks Ballsdrick. What about you Captain Darling? “asked Brownadder of his Chancellor? “How are you feeling?”

“Not too good Brownadder. But I’ve been scared witless since 2007 when I first opened the ledgers,” said Darling.

{They heard the voices of the returning officers sounding down the trench. ‘Parties prepare to advance to polling stations. One pace forward!’}

The inner circle platoon moved up to the trench ballot boxes and prepared for the final campaign.

“Well this .. they say .. IS IT.” said Brownadder with finality.

“Sir?” Asked little Ballsdrick. ” Do you have a last cunning plan?”

“A plan woven from mendacious tractor stats and bound with obfuscation and spin?” asked Brownadder.


“A plan that would see us cut the massive deficit in half, lower taxes and increase public sector wages, and turn my personal poll ratings around faster than I can congratulate an X factor winner?”

“Yessir! Exactly Sir!” said Ballsdrick.

“A plan born of years of intrigue and low political Scots Labour party infighting. A plan built up from a lifetime of plotting in darkened rooms. A cunning plan, hatched honed and polished to brilliance while I was plotting all those years to take over from Colonel Blair. A plan to inspire the core vote, motivate the activists, rekindle the love of the working classes, reflect the aspirations of the middle classes, placate the unions and restore all our fortunes by tomorrow?”

“Yessir. That sort of plan exactly, sir”

“Well... No. Not really. “ said Brownadder unhappily.


“ Yes. You’d think after twenty years of scheming for the top job I would have had something ready..”

{There was no more waiting time, After avoiding it for so long, Brownadder would finally have to fight an election. The shrill blasts of the returning officer’s whistles sounded the length of the Westminster corridors and Brownadder and his entire company charged towards the waiting taxpayers...}

The Brownadder boxset.

supplied unboxed.

The Brownadder tries for a Fourth term
Part 2
Part 3

Brownadder's Bunker

Brownadder the Second {rate} Part 1

Brownadder the Second rate. {Part II}

Brownadder the second rate { part III}

Brownadder the second {rate}. {Part IV}


Mark Wadsworth said...

Good ending. I was a bit worried yesterday that the story wouldn't have a proper ending.

Marchamont Needham said...

Very well done indeed.

Trench Foot said...

Simply too spiffing for words. Congratulations on keeping is all transfixed.

Nick Drew said...

give that man a BAFTA

and doubles expenses

and a second home with moat and (John Lewis) duck-house

James Higham said...

Not a bad name, Geoff Hoon. Hoon, Hoon - has a nice woody sound to it.

Anyway, spiffing last episode. See you for the next offensive later in the year.

Anonymous said...

James Higham : General Sir Peter Hartley-Paul Mandelchett is a better name.

The puppeteer would be most displeased.

Hartlepool indeed!

Cazzy Jones said...

I believe the phrase rhymes with "clucking bell" - as in "clucking bell, what a superb effort". Well done.