Wednesday 8 June 2011

What's your excuse?

Half of UK employers reported that they check up on employees who call in sick according to a survey from Nearly 10% of respondents claimed to have gone as far as to drive by their employees’ home to check if they are faking sickness.

That's nothing! Lightweights!
In a firm I worked for I followed up on people claiming

1. Testicular cancer treatment
2. Territorial army call up
3. Broken ankle
4. Flights back from holiday cancelled and unable to return to work
5. Damaged spine which prevented person from flying back to UK. With supporting medical documents
6. Drug overdose; spiked drink in a nightclub.
7. Court appearance
8. Held up in police checkpoint and arrested when the mini cab driver turned out to have a gun.
9. Hypnotised and forgot where they worked.
10. Waiting in for a coffin delivery.

All of the above were proved to be false.

And BQ was no where near obtaining the hunting down of idiots record. A colleague was informed of a worker's, grannie's death. The suspicious manager was furnished with details of times/dates, church, names, cemetery, service etc. But he was sure this was the third dead gran and even though the details checked out by telephone he drove, in his best mourning black, 250miles to the funeral where he discovered there was indeed a service taking place but no sign of the absentee. He went round to that worker's house and found him sitting in his jog pants, eating muesli and watching TV. He took a photo through the window and another of the surprised man's face as he opened the door

Hint* If you phone up with 'flu' you'll mostly be left alone.


lilith said...

The great thing about self employment is only having to convince yourself that you are sick.

Dick the Prick said...

Hypnotised and forgot work location? Good - don't come back sweetie! Sheeesh.

Anonymous said...

Only happened to me once, I had been sick through the night (no I had not done a Guido), I intended to go to work that morning but lack of sleep and queezyness convinced me that I would be a drag at work, the office manager turned up at dinner time at my parents house, we at that time did not have a telephone but my father asked me if I wanted him to telephone my workplace but had told him that I would go to work, this was 46 years ago. I did go back to work as I felt a slightly better. Bill don't give tips about advising employers that the employee has flu' it gives them ideas. One thing does occur to me it happened 6 years ago, I had wrked for this company for a week but broke my leg they were pulled out with work and a month later they tried to get me to do some jobbies (english ones) but seeing that I had only been off a zimmer frame 1 week I had to decline their offer. In the first case Iwas the office Junior and the second one I was a home care worker.

Anonymous said...

lilith said...
The great thing about self employment is only having to convince yourself that you are sick.

7:00 PM

The trouble is with self employment is that you tend to go to work even though you have to drag yourself there, no work, no money, especially if you work for yourself, no help.

Steven_L said...

Trip switch in the night reset my alarm, this landlord is a b******

Of course in local government you usually rush in late only to find the managers are all on the sick and you might as well have not bothered.

Bill Quango MP said...

Lilith: Yes. very noticeable sickness difference between self and employed.

Dick: I don't think she was a survivor. Couldn't provide details of hypnotist. But used that as part of the excuse. "I can't remember."
People taking unauthorised leave not coming back to work on time were the dumbest. Very easy to prove. "Flight number? ..Can't remember? Ok..airline and date of departure and from where? You can't remember that? Have you recently been to a hypnotist?"

Anon: Office Manager turned up. These days you'd need very good reason. You'd have to bring round some urgent document or something. Otherwise harassment case.

Steven_L: That's very common from the younger school leavers. And its said with all the indignation from being on the side of right. "My clock didn't go off, so it can't be my fault can it? Its the clock."

"Two choices. Get a new clock or a new job."

Electro-Kevin said...

We had a chap phone in to say he was sick.

"What are you sick with ?"

"Oh. Er. Ummm ... heart attack ?"

Andrew Zalotocky said...

Lilith, the bad thing about self-employment is that you have to convince yourself. There are no excuses when it's your own money. As for the rest, we should expect something more creative in an interwebs knowledge economy:

"I've got that Ebola that's going around..."

"Zulus, thaaaasands of 'em..."

"I've got that Disease 2.0...So I'll need ten million in venture capital"

Anonymous said...

Was the hypnotist excuse before or after the release of Office Space (1999)?

Anonymous said...

Perpetually "ill" people really irritate me, especially so if they're claiming the sniffles is the flu.

If you're ill enough to miss work more than once every year or two then you need to change your diet or lifestyle or something.

CityUnslicker said...

Whwn at school I told my batty, elderly french teachers the reason i was 30 mins late for a 40 mins lesson was that iraqi paratroopers had set up a roadblock.

he just told me to sit at the back.

best excuse i have ever got away with.

Timbo614 said...

New Office Regulations

Due to focus on overtime and expense control during this period, it has become necessary to put into effect immediately the following rules and procedures:

1) Sickness

No excuse. The Company will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof. It you are able to go to a doctor, you are able to attend work.

2) Death (Your Own)

This will be accepted as an excuse. We would like two weeks' notice, since we feel that it is your duty to train someone else for your job, as a back-up.

3) Death (Other Than Your Own)

This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them, and henceforth no time will be allowed for funerals. However, in case of hardships, the Company has a special scheme, in conjunction with the local cemetery, for lunch-time burials, thus ensuring that no time is lost from work.

4) Leave Of Absence For Operation

No time off will be allowed for an operation. The Company believes that as long as you are an employee, you will need all of whatever parts you already have, and will not consider having any of it removed. We have engaged you for a particular job,with all your parts, and to have anything removed would mean that the Company is getting less than what it is contracted for.

5) Visits To The Toilet

Far too much time on this particular practice. In future, all staff members will go in alphabetical order. All surnames beginning with "A" will go from 9:45 am to 10:00 am. Those beginning with "B" will go from 10:05 am to 10:20 am, and so on. Anyone unable to attend at the appropriate times will have to wait until the following day for their turn to come around.

Bill Quango MP said...

EK- Had a joker claiming heart attack at work the other week. But luckily one of the guys realised it was a genuine attack and laid him in the back of a van and took him to hospital.
Won't see him back for a year at least.

Andrew Zalotocky:I have had 'can't come in - sex change.' This was genuine. That , or someone was going to a lot of trouble each day to conceal a sickie.

Anon:I don't know Office Space. Is that a movie? 1999 is about the right timescale.

Anonymous said...

Office Space is a movie where the whole plot is set up by a hypnotist having a heart attack and leaving the main character in a relaxed state. He then doesn't care enough about work to go in.

It's become a bit of a cult movie over the years.

Anonymous said...

Very good film (although is getting dated - mostly because of the office equipment!). Is on Film4 from time to time.

Bill Quango MP said...

OK..I'll spot it from Film 4.