Saturday 29 December 2012

Dates for the 2013 diary

January 1st. Fiscal cliff - no resolution- Market panic -doomsayers predict end of America.
Sally Bercow's first libelous tweet of the year.
January 6th. Fiscal cliff fudge moves $900 gajizillion bazoomillion of spending cuts and tax rises to January 2014 . Markets recover instantly, for no reason that any sane person could conceive.
January 9th - 1st prediction of imminent Euro collapse. Repeated every 9th of the month until 2015.

Feb 10th - First of this year's, final ever, £30 billion Greek bailout paid. Next 'final ever' due in June.
Feb 14th  Valentine's Day. Coalition parties exchange cheap cards. Labour send them moonpig specials.."Please stay together..We're not ready"
February 15th - Sooty breaks 40 year silence. Mr Corbett arrested. BBC Director general resigns after it was discovered there was a shelved Newsnight documentary into puppet abuse at the BBC.

March 4th - Law of unintended consequences passes onto statute books. Will now be a legal part of all legislation. 
March 15th; Ides of March. Boris makes classics speech. "Friends, Londoners, foreign born, new countrymen, lend me your ipods; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."
March 18th RMT announces strike dates for year. All bank holidays + cup final, Epsom Derby, Boat race, and two weeks in July as the lads are all going to Malaga together.

April 1st. Cameron pledges to get tough with EU.
April 8th Thames Water announce hosepipe ban
April 9th. Severe Flooding across Britain until October
April 16th. Liberal Democrats have much watered down the armed policing in cities bill. It becomes law today. Police can be armed with concealed Nerf guns.
April 30th - Big UKIP win! Lotto Scratchcard nets them £42

May 4th - Order of the Jedi created after popular petition. Ian McKellen surprise first holder.
May 6th. Army budget cuts take effect. Atlantic now protected by Allied jellyfish and the Loos lifeboat
May 21st - Ultra Right wing Tories stage protest over hunting ban. Strong leadership by Cameron reaches compromise. They are given 35% extra pension if they stfu.

June 1st - Rumours of an actual labour policy prove groundless.
June 2nd - Parliamentary recess begins. Lasts until 23rd November.
June 3rd - Gordon Brown annual attendance at Parliament. 
June 30th - Alex Salmond declares Scotland will be a dual language and currency nation. Pounds and Euros. Language of flowery Bravehart rhetoric and Cuban to be taught in schools. Scottish mint finally agrees with what people have been telling them for decades. No one accepts Scottish currency.

July 5th - Daily Mail royal baby supplement arrives . Has more pages than the leveson report at 2768.
July 19th - Save the Children reclassifies poverty definition. Poverty now includes any home without an ipad mini, Halogen Hob or Kath Kidston towels.
July 23rd Alan Sugar accidentally fires himself from the Apprentice. Joins Strictly as a judge.
July 29th. 4 ramblers sucked out to sea by offshore windfarm. Green campaigners say wind power will be economic as soon as subsidy reaches 200%.
July 30th. China opens 40th new nuclear reactor this year.

August 2nd - Silly season stories turn out to be true. Johnathan Ross new DG of the BBC. Jose Mourinho takes over at QPR. Nigel Farage defects to Liberal Democrats. 
August 4th  Owen Jones is 16 today.
August 15th. Church in turmoil over whether divorced gay couples can marry in non England and Wales churches. David Cameron's messy compromise ensures that divorced homosexuals can only be remarried in mosques by Catholic priests. "A satisfying compromise"

September 3rd. The number of people Ed Miliband was 'talking too..just the other day a {delete as appropriate} school/soup kitchen/ bus stop/ Greggs/ free range poultry farm/ Box at the Royal Opera House; Now reaches 2,500.
September 6th. Francois Hollande moves to Belgium to escape high tax regime.
September 9th: Google merge with Starbucks and Amazon and Apple and form own country GAASleon, and set corporation tax to zero, for founder members. It is the 3rd richest nation of the G8.
September 21st. First sitting of new Court of Public Opinion. Judge Judy presides. Public tarring and feathering of Abu Qatada.

October 6th. Downton Abbey, 4th series, adopts 'X' factor style text voting to determine which character is killed off next. Mrs Crawley tipped to die of extreme white liberal guilt.
October 12th: Nobel Peace Prize awarded to President Assad of Syria.
October 19th: Bank of England discovers its supplier of printer ink has gone bust. QE on hold for two days whilst alternatives sought. Pound falls 30% against the $ until a smiling Mark Carney appears on facebook photocopying £50 notes. Osborne says "See..I told you he worth £420 an hour."
October 28th - ECHR discovers breach of Human Rights and determines locked up prisoners must be allowed their families, possessions and friends and social activities whilst in prison. Work on building housing estates, multiplexes and shopping centres inside Wormwood Scrubs begins. Polish Government delighted at the work this generates for its citizens.

November 5th . EU wide 'clean emissions law' bonfire ban comes into effect.
November 19th. Annual energy companies cartel  fuel bill rise of 92% .
November 24th Coalition splits getting worse. Liberal Democrats move out of Westminster and go to stay at their mother's. Both parties drink more and Tories buy themselves a Winnebago with the college fund. Both shower presents on a confused Ed Miliband, whilst sounding off to him about the lies, betrayals, annoying personal habits and the bad sex of the other party.

December 1st. Silvio Berlusconi becomes Prime Minister of Ireland.
December 3rd. Japan celebrates 15 years of zero growth with total Toyota recall.
December 4th. RMT adds rest of December to its strike days.
December 19th;  John Lewis goes into administration.
December 25th. Queens speech pleads for an end to Paul McCartney
December 31st - Coalitions minimum alcohol pricing, pegged to fuel duty, comes into effect. Tesco White Wine £76.98 a bottle. 



Blue Eyes said...


Barnacle Bill said...

Can I just skip next year and go straight to 2014 please?
The excitement is just too much for the old ticker.

Miss Tick Maggie said...

Heartless beast! Have you no thought for theee cheeeldrenn???

john in cheshire said...

One last prediction : bbc put up for privatisation when they slag off Margaret Thatcher once too often. Rupert Murdoch declines to put in a bid because he can't see it make a profit in private industry. And the guardian immediately goes into bankruptcy because of the loss of income from job adverts.

Anonymous said...

I though 'Call be Dave' Dave's Condem administration was beyond satire, but you've managed it! Respect due.

Jan said...

Further prediction for sometime in 2013?

Nigel Farage and UKIP elected in shock general election by promising war crimes trial of TB and trials of wicked bankers and other assorted white-collar criminals in their manifesto.

CityUnslicker said...

v. good BQ