Monday 5 August 2013

Dr Who: You Really Gotta Laugh

Scene: October 2012, one of the weekly BBC meetings where all those executives on £250,000 p.a. gather to spend our money ...

Chair:  Now, item 6 - the next Dr Who.  Rosalind, I think Diversity Planning has some input on this ?

Rosalind:  Yes thank you Chair, we certainly do !  And I'm sure we can all agree on this one.  It's been a missed opportunity for years and years, but now we must seize it with both hands.  The new Doctor will be a she !  And she will be black !

Chorus:  surely a Person of Colour ?! (much clamour around the table)

Chair:  Tarquin, what does Inclusivity & Cultural Fusion think ..?

Tarquin:  Rosalind knows my views on this.  We haven't properly considered the transgender angle ...

Voice from the back:  so it's 'Dr What' then, eh ? (guffaws)

Tarquin, angrily:  Who said that ?  (more guffaws)  That's a disciplinary, you know.  Chair, I look to you to keep order, this is a serious matter

Chair:  This is awkward, I assumed all the relevant views had already been canvassed.  Fatima - what is the line from Faith-based Community Outreach Strategy ? Is it time for a Muslim women Dr Who?

Fatima, shocked:  Chair, I don't believe you didn't know time-travel is strictly haraam !  This is very insensitive.  I'm shocked.

Tarquin:  FCOS don't get a vote on this  -  you know what Fatima said about Dale Winton

Fatima, mumbling to herself:  I'm shocked !

Bruce:  Well Technical and CGI are all in favour of having a bird.  We've come up with some suggestions - we're thinking Barbarella (passes round some photo-shopped pictures of Holly Willoughby in a completely see-through space suit, to cries of phwooar ! and fresh !) - and we've designed a wicked new sonic screw-driver (flourishes slender 12-inch pink cylinder) - look, its got batteries 'n all, you switch it on here and it'll give you a warm feeling, if you know what I mean ...

Rosalind:  Can I, errr, take a look at that ?  no not you Fatima, it's definitely haraam too (Fatima rushes out of the room)

Chair:  OK well, I think we're reaching consensus here.  I'll just go around the room one last time - any other inputs, colleagues ?

Martin, from Enterprises, in a suit:  Yes.  Dr Who is one of our biggest-selling brands in the export markets.  Almost up there with Clarkson, in fact.  No-one outside this room gives a flying fuck about faith-based diversity fusion.  The next Who will be a white male - or six of you in this room will be axed at the next cull.   The foul-mouthed Scottish one from Thick of It ticks all the boxes.  (clips up tablet and leaves)

Chair:    Ah. OK, well then, errr, item 7 ?  Rosalind, be a love, go and see if Fatima is OK ...


Malcolm Tucker said...

Great choice for Dr Who!!

Electro-Kevin said...

Millions of kids will have gone on YouTube to see Peter Capaldi and found clips of him effing and jeffing even using the 'C' word.

'Oh-wa ! Heee said a rude word'

"Ah - here comes the emissary from Plantet Fuck !" (to use Parliamentary parlance - in a sci-fi context. Attributable to Bill Quango on Guido.)

Electro-Kevin said...

PS - The whole of the Universe to play out in and everything centers around London.

Anonymous said...

What are you talking about? He's totally diverse, not being from London and all that.

I wonder if he will use his real accent. Apparently the only reason Tennant didn't was because they didn't want two "regional accents" in a row.

I haven't watched for 2-3 years anyway but an older Doctor is definitely worth a look.

andrew said...

It will happen, but not this time - or the next.

At least not until river song has been firmly exited from the plot some seasons ago.

My 15yo step monster may well snigger and mutter something rude under her breath but anyone much younger will say

daddy, but wasnt she married to that girl last year... how can that be?

Torchwood / Captain Jack was post watershed.

Once we have mined out all the gloomy dark side stories I am sure the writers will be dying to exploit a new angle.

True equality will have been reached when this is not a story.

Blue Eyes said...

I was hoping for Idris Elba.