Scene: October 2012, one of the weekly BBC meetings where all those executives on £250,000 p.a. gather to spend our money ...
Chair: Now, item 6 - the next Dr Who. Rosalind, I think Diversity Planning has some input on this ?
Rosalind: Yes thank you Chair, we certainly do ! And I'm sure we can all agree on this one. It's been a missed opportunity for years and years, but now we must seize it with both hands. The new Doctor will be a she ! And she will be black !
Chorus: surely a Person of Colour ?! (much clamour around the table)
Chair: Tarquin, what does Inclusivity & Cultural Fusion think ..?
Tarquin: Rosalind knows my views on this. We haven't properly considered the transgender angle ...
Voice from the back: so it's 'Dr What' then, eh ? (guffaws)
Tarquin, angrily: Who said that ? (more guffaws) That's a disciplinary, you know. Chair, I look to you to keep order, this is a serious matter
Chair: This is awkward, I assumed all the relevant views had already been canvassed. Fatima - what is the line from Faith-based Community Outreach Strategy ? Is it time for a Muslim women Dr Who?
Fatima, shocked: Chair, I don't believe you didn't know time-travel is strictly haraam ! This is very insensitive. I'm shocked.
Tarquin: FCOS don't get a vote on this - you know what Fatima said about Dale Winton
Fatima, mumbling to herself: I'm shocked !
Bruce: Well Technical and CGI are all in favour of having a bird. We've come up with some suggestions - we're thinking Barbarella (passes round some photo-shopped pictures of Holly Willoughby in a completely see-through space suit, to cries of phwooar ! and fresh !) - and we've designed a wicked new sonic screw-driver (flourishes slender 12-inch pink cylinder) - look, its got batteries 'n all, you switch it on here and it'll give you a warm feeling, if you know what I mean ...
Rosalind: Can I, errr, take a look at that ? no not you Fatima, it's definitely haraam too (Fatima rushes out of the room)
Chair: OK well, I think we're reaching consensus here. I'll just go around the room one last time - any other inputs, colleagues ?
Martin, from Enterprises, in a suit: Yes. Dr Who is one of our biggest-selling brands in the export markets. Almost up there with Clarkson, in fact. No-one outside this room gives a flying fuck about faith-based diversity fusion. The next Who will be a white male - or six of you in this room will be axed at the next cull. The foul-mouthed Scottish one from Thick of It ticks all the boxes. (clips up tablet and leaves)
Chair: Ah. OK, well then, errr, item 7 ? Rosalind, be a love, go and see if Fatima is OK ...