Friday, 10 January 2014

Ed Davey: How taxes prevent climate change

Surbiton
The energy minister, Ed Davey, today explained to the chamber the dangers facing the nation from climate change. He told the assembled council members..

"We have seen floods and extreme winds with fierce seas and trees uprooted. the climate is changing. temperatures are falling. Daily sunshine is at a low."

 He went on to say he had received a raven from the continental United States.

" Ice has formed across half of that faraway land. Ships are stranded in the ice sea. Rivers have frozen. We can not ignore what is before our eyes .. a winter is coming. The Long Night will last a generation. Thousands will  starve as the crops and fields are buried under dozens of feet of snow.
I don't want to sound alarmist but .. In the darkness and cold of the Long Night, Kings will freeze to death in their castles, same as the shepherds in their huts; and women will smother their babies rather than see them starve, and weep, and feel the tears freeze on their cheeks..."

The shocked council had questions. Hand of the Prime Minister, Nick Clegg asked if all was already lost. Lord Davey of House Limp  replied much time had been wasted with petty squabbles at the seat of power in the south. But that the real battle was to be found in the north. he proposed a new Super-eco-green tax of 'the old gods of the forest', to be levied on every merchant and money-lender. Every Kingdom. Every trader. Every port. Every castle. Every market and every tavern. A 75% levy!

"We must build The Wall. A colossal fortification built  in the north. A wall of ice centered on Castle Black." when asked how much such a thing would cost he said " It would cost £600 billion. A small price to pay for your lives? " Who would man this outpost? "It would be manned by an elite guard of ecology students, University of East Anglia computer programmers and Greenpeace protesters under the patronage of lady Caroline Lucas of House Green."
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Nottingham 2015

The council discussed at length and offered to add £8bn to the peasants energy bills and also to add to the Night Watch with some people from Benefits Street.

"It is not enough!" shouted Lord Wet

 " The White Walkers sleep beneath the ice for thousands of years. And when they wake up..."
 And as he stormed from the throne room..
 "In that darkness the White Walkers will come.. They will sweep through cities and kingdoms, riding their dead horses, hunting with their packs of pale spiders big as hounds..."
Colchester 2016

You have been warned.

10 comments:

john miller said...

Wow.

Normally. I eschew vodka on my cornflakes, but if this it what it does I might try it out at weekends...

Tyrion Lannister said...

But if we only spend eco money on the ice wall what will prevent the parched lands of the south boiling to glass under the incessant sun? We could be experiencing golden dragons flying in from the burning shores of the south?
We should have another HOT energy tax levy to attempt to reduce the threat of Dragons from House Targaryen.

Anonymous said...

Typical Fib Dem - cannot tell the difference between Climate & Weather.

The climate has been in a permanent state of flux since the Earths inception - why do uber muppets like Davey insist we can freeze dry the climate at this particular epoc? The man is either a complete fool or something more sinister.

Nick Drew said...

White Walkers ? I prefer Blue Label, myself

you and your pale spiders, you've been at the surplus stock of brandy butter again BQ, haven't you

Malcolm Tucker said...

Its from Game of Thrones Nick.
You must have that box set tucked away?

Demetrius said...

Cripes, will it affect the footie on telly as well?

Scrobs... said...

The top pic is of a couple of cars in Flash Arry Surbiton Mercedes Inc.

The others are of our various fridges after rescuing the cubes for more than enough g and ts.

Ryan said...

I think you made that up, right?

andrew said...

Sounds like a normal sat night in bridgewater.

Anonymous said...

@You have been warned

Warmed? Conned?