Saturday 31 March 2018

I hear you're a racist now, Father Jez {Pt IV}

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The Red Kipper pub was full. Almost all the Jewish people Father Jez had invited to the hastily re-titled "Celebration of Maggie Island's Labour Party Ethnic Diversity Membership" had turned out for the event. To see if Jez really was a big Racist. And the promise of free drink, even if some of it was Jez home brew,  was an incentive.
The chatter in the room became polite applause as Father Jez bounded onto the small stage, with his favourite mini megaphone, to begin the main event.

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"Ladies and gentlemen and erm..other..unspecified non-genders. Jews and |Gentiles. Welcome to this ..exciting look at the great diversity of cultures that exists here on Maggie Island. And within Our Labour party. Specifically, here today..Jews. ..And the rest of us.. I have prepared a short slide show to explore the great multi-cultural mix that is here today..So let's start the presentation."

Jez pulled up the first slide of his presentation.

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Some Kind of Rabbi.

"This is me with a man who he and I had a mix up over a red suitcase at Gatwick. We both thought it was ours. But it turned out the suitcase was actually his.
  I forget his name now, but he had his initials CCCP on his red case. Which is why I thought it was mine. 
 I just included this slide in here to point out that the whole incident was settled very amicably and we got on very well."

There was some coughing from the audience who already looked bored. One young Jewish boy asked if there would be anymore free booze. Jez promised there would be a limited supply after the presentation.

He moved on to the next slide.
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Red or Dead ?

The Dead Sea. 

A really great sea. So dense you can float even a Diane Abbott sized person in it. Really great buoyancy. Great for just lounging around in after a hard day at the money lenders or plastic surgery or whatever occupation you have. Top Sea, there.....And I'm sure that it would still be a Top Sea even without the help of Jordan and our Palestinian friends borders for it..."

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A funny girl

Barbra Streisand ! 

One of the biggest stars in the world a while back. And a great singer. Really belts them out, doesn't she? And that's despite having that'Range' ..Yes..That's it....her enourmous musical range...
Now ..On to ...

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Funny Hitler ..We can all laugh about it now.

Mel Brooks!
"Fantastic funnyman. Here he is in one of his best known productions, "The Producers."
A comedy about evil Jewish capitalists conspiring to defraud the exchequer of valuable tax revenues..erm..I mean..A fantastic musical comedy featuring the classic, politically incorrect song "Springtime for Hitler." 
A masterpiece and I say that meaning its a masterpiece because of Mel Brooks. And not because its about Hitler and all his Nazis and that.
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The Chinese! 
"I know there are no Jewish, Labour, Chinese people here tonight on Maggie Island. But we do like to continually create smaller and smaller sub-groups of minorities within our organisation..So .I put this slide in..For the Labour party Chinese. A great bunch of lads! "

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The Uzi Sub-machine-gun!
Ubiquitous Israeli designed rapid fire, mini machine-gun. Favourite of security details and drug cartels the world over. Small, secretive yet highly effective and deadly. Much like Israel itself...
Ok..Moving on...Next is..

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Great for old man vests
Marks and Spencer!
"The undergarment retailer of choice for discerning pensioners like me. You know, they are home to  Ireland's biggest lingerie section, I understand .. And they have my favourite name, "Marx" in the title!
Fagin - Not all bad.

"Ok ..So..not technically a goody..but certainly not a total baddie. That was Bill Sykes. 
 Fagin, though a thieving, grubby, purse stealing, criminal fencer of stolen goods, still had the heart of gold to help poor gentile, Oliver Twist.
And all those other urchins who had no place to go because of the bedroom tax and harsh Tory cuts to libraries. Sure Start. And their draconian union rules that prevented flying pickets closing down the spinning jenny that deprived the hardworkingpoor of get the picture..I was drifting off topic a bit, there..

And finally ...

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JESUS - Top bloke
Jesus ! 
"One of those early Jews. A great fellah. Spreading not just the Jewish faith but also the Christian faith too. So a really ethnically diverse person. Fitting for our look today at  all the different religions and cultures on Maggie island and in OUR Labour Party."

Father Jez began activating the slide show as he summed up the evening's experience.
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"I think I've touched today on all aspects of Jewish culture and I'd like to thank you all for coming here tonight ..
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Father Jez. Not Antisemitic. help us better integrate our  own aestheticism with each other. And to cradle our love of socialism, within our own differences.  
Differences that unite, rather than divide us...
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....Thank you for coming and let us remember. 
We are all united in one struggle to overthrow capitalism and democracy...
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Father Jez. Not Antisemitic.

Father Jez thought it had gone splendidly. 
Until the elder 'Jews for Labour' spokesperson said he thought the slide show had been 
"a great pile of old crap."
However he added that the free drink was very much appreciated. 
"Thank you Father Cilly. For this free drink."

Jez put on his sincere face, The one he used when reading out fake emails from imaginary constituents.
"I just wanted to clear things up. I'm not a fascist. I'm the labour leader. Fascists go around banning things. Forbidding free speech and imposing their intolerant views on others. While I go about ..erm..well..anyway..erm...More drink!" he bellowed as he sought to extricate from the hole he had just dug himself. 
But the Landlord said the pub was closing. The fascist! And so to a mighty cheer, Jez invited the Labour Jews gang back to his place for a booze up.


The contingent arrived back at Jez's home. All were in fine spirits. The crappy slide show hadn't dampened the good from all the drinking. Jez himself was feeling the glow. He usually only drank actual alcohol in dingy pubs in provo areas in the company of hardened IRA terrorists. So he didn't look a softy, colonial wimp.
 But tonight he'd drank a few and so was splendidly merry as Mrs Chakribarti, opened the front door with a worried expression.

"Hullo Mrs Chaarkkribubbly..Great to see you..I've brought some chur..chums round. Everyone into the living room," he bellowed to the others. As they filed past the Housekeeper tried to tell him something.

"Oh, Father Jez. That message from Old Father MaoDonnell. Well..the crates did arrive.."

"Crates? What crates, Mrs Chuck-yur-burito ?"

"Father Ken's, Father. His packing crates."

"What? Is Father Mao really going? He really was happy to be leaving soon?"

"No Father. The message Father Mao had, wasn't about him. He actually said "Father Ken Livingstone. Not 'keen to be leaving soon'."

"Oh..I what's the packing crate business?"

"Well..Father Ken Livingstone has recently had a spot of bother with Bishops on the NEC. He was suspended for know what..the whole Hitler was a Zionist, thing. So..he had to move his possessions while they carried out a phony 'reeducation journey' for him. And he asked Father MaoDonell if he could send his prized memorabilia to us here at labour HQ..And...So..Father Mao said yes..And ..well..he was curious..and unpacked a few of Father Ken's things ..."

"Oohhhh...My ...God!" Cried Father Jez as he rushed in to the sitting room to try to hide the sort of Nazi items he feared Father Ken might have shipped over to them..

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Too Late !

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Father MaoDonnell tries on one of Ken's suits.


Nick Drew said...

Tour de force!

HarryD said...

I am genuinely upset this magnum opus will never be broadcast.