Thursday 24 December 2020

Gregg Wallace at Xmas - Inside the Brexit Factory

GW     I’m ‘ere in the Westminster sosssidge processing plant.  You always wonnied ter see ‘aa “Brussels Sosssidges” were made, dincha?  Whotcha mean, ‘no, Gregg’?  Course ya did!  Stop retching!

I’m ‘ere watching the piles of raw materials arriving at the gates from Brussels.  Blimey, look at that lot!   Let’s talk to delivery-boy David Frost – Dave, hi, I’m Gregg.  Wotcha got there then, mate?  

DF     Well Gregg, it’s two thousand pages of typical Brussels output, and as you can see, in this form it’s pretty inedible.  Particularly the fisheries bits.  

GW     To’ally in-die-gestible, I’d say, mate.  And, phwoar, it stinks!  Crikey - must need a load of processing before it gets to the punters – wot ‘appens nah? 

DF     Well, we’ve already done a bit of softening up so that customers have a fair idea of what they’ll be getting.  But now we need to put it into what we call ‘pre-digestion’. 

GW (to camera)   And that’s because the average ‘ew-man just couldn’t stomach this stuff unprocessed – too dense and, frankly, just plain unpalatabool: doesn’t look much like what they are expectin’ at all!

... So, it’s twenty seconds after this stuff came in the gates, and nah I’m over at the ‘press’ department, where the raw ingredients are prepared before they are suitable for servin' to the public.  Hi, Allegra Stratton, I’m Gregg: wot ‘happens in your great big ‘press’ machine then, eh? 

AS     So, what we do here Gregg is, yesterday we warmed up the press so now it’s ready to receive the juicy bits we’re going to feed in. 

GW     Yeah, I can see why you’re bein’ a bit selective!  You wouldn’t want summer this stuff getting into the press, wouldya?!  That Irish bit, for example, that'd be really 'ard to swallow.  Can I ‘av a go wiv your machine? 

AS     Yes of course.  We’ve separated out the juicy bits over here, so if you just tip them into this end – that’s it.  Now the ‘press’ doesn’t have much time to process this stuff so, look, just a few seconds later all those bits you fed in come straight out again in all these different outlets, almost exactly the same as they went in!  Except now they have an air of authority, it’s what we call ‘independent credibility’. 

GW     In-dee-pendent wot?  You pulling my plonker, girl? 

AS (blushes)   Oh ... they told me that’s what you like, Gregg and ... well, we’re very grateful for the publicity ...

GW     Yeah awright girl, afterwards, yeah? ...  so, ‘aa many of these press processes do you do in a yee-er? 

AS     Well, we do lots all the time, but we always rush through a specially big batch just before Christmas.   Also, sometimes at 8pm on a Bank Holiday Friday evening, that’s another time when we often do big batches.   That’s when pre-digestion really helps the process along. 

GW     And what about the stuffing?  And what happens to the other 1,998 pages, eh?  That’s a load of indigestible ingredients! 

AS     So, we find that if it’s fed through immediately after, it seems to slip down nicely: as far as the average customer’s concerned, it’s the juicy bits on top that they like.  And everyone’s going to get a proper bit of stuffing ... but your viewers don’t really want to see what they’re eating, do they? 

GW    So nah, I’m wiv the public relations manager.  Hi Boris, I’m Gregg.  ‘Aa d’you get punters to swallow this lot then, eh? 

BJ    Well Gregg, lovely to meet you, just been on the ‘phone with our good friends in Brussels, together we’ve put together a ginormous package that everyone will love, in time for Christmas too!  Got to dash now; you’ve got to, er, finish up with Allegra - and I’ve got some Christmas stuffing to do, too ...


Produced for the BBC by ND / C@W productions 2020


Timbo614 said...

Serve with Sweet Potatoes In Nectar aka SPIN.

Graeme said...

Nice one 👌

E-K said...

Sounds like a substantial deal... I mean MEAL.

formertory said...

Brilliant, Mr Drew. I know it's a sossidge machine but looking forward to someone going over this carefully with some fish tweezers because I'm bloody sure there must be some well-hidden bones somewhere. Perhaps nasty ones. With barbs.

Anonymous said...

The main ingredients were soaked in Brino first.