The scene: a small, bare office on an industrial estate near Beijing Capital International airport. Sitting nervously on a metal chair, nursing a plastic beaker of water and facing a plain table adorned with two small pennants, one a Union Jack and the other the Chinese flag, is The Most Important Man In Government Jonathan Powell, legendary Xi-whisperer (self-styled) and Starmer's right-hand man on all foreign matters.
A loud voice off, shouting into room: You bow low!
Powell leaps to his feet, turns to face the figure walking in through the door and doubles over at the waist with as much gravitas as he can muster.
Enter Yu Bau-Lo, 3rd Deputy Under Secretary at the Chinese Ministry of Protocol.
Yu: Mr Powell, get up. Very busy. Have many executions of Ming gang to supervise. What you want?
Powell: Err, Mr Yu, greetings ... I, err, we, err, came good with the approval for your new London embassy, just like we discussed.
Yu: Yes. So what?
Powell: Err, we were, err, hoping there might be something in return? Something big, that Sir Kier could announce?
Yu: He could say "I got to meet President Xi. In person. Camera present, photo taken." This is great honour. Everyone in world deeply impressed.
Powell: Err, we were hoping for something, like, err, tangible?
Yu: We will send copy of photograph meeting with President Xi. Can have framed.
Powell: But, but ... we need a deal - everyone needs a deal these days!
Yu: OK, (looks through notebook entitled "Sops") - we give you visa-free travel! Big concession - only Vietnam, Thailand, Indonesia, EU, Canada, Turkey etc etc etc get visa-free travel. North Korea desperate for visa-free travel!
Powell, crestfallen: Surely there must be something more than that? The embassy ...
Yu: Don' push luck Mr Powell. OK, final word: half-rate tariff on Scotch whisky.
Powell, utterly crushed: Thanks ... we're very grateful.
Yu, turning to leave as shots ring out offstage: OK. You go now. (With back turned) Anyhow, Chinese people don' drink Scotch any more - Indian whisky really good these days**.
As overheard by ND
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** It's true!
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