No downside to the Scottish licensing bill

At the Scottish Parliament's presentation on alcohol by the Sterling Cooper advertising agency everyone is very excited. Mr Daryl McCool is winding up..

"And folks.. The icing, on the cream, on the cherry, on the cake; is..... its going to be a Revenueeeeee........ Raaaaaiiiser."

{Gasps of amazement..loosened blouse buttons and ties}

"Its good for you. Its healthy. It requires taxation and compliance through off limit areas and signage, and monitoring of compliance and targets also. Its a jobs creator too! It gives you some pricing and incomes controls. This policy will save lives. Babies lives. Animals lives. It lifts kids out of poverty and ends crime. It reduces drugs; noise, waste, glass shards, litter, bad behaviour,broken street architecture, vomit on the pavements, knife crime, teenage pregnancies, hoodies in parks, under-age sex, St D's, graffiti, gun crime, accidental death, muggings, lost property, broken cell phones, snapped heels and B.O.

{more gasps, more loosening}

It frees up landfill, taxi routes, improves the bus service, aluminium reserves, street cleaners, paramedics,firemen, police, nurses, doctors, beds, haulage and PCSO's. It will improve school results, doctors waiting lists, treasury accounts and Vat revenues. It will improve work attendance, sick days lost, missed school days,productivity, liver transplant availability, dehydration, car crashes, pedestrian injuries, Accident and Emergency visits, and frees up incalculable NHS resources. It will reduce accidents in the home and domestic violence. Abuse of the elderly and stains on the carpet. Alcohol or otherwise !
Oh..it will also end drunken phone calls to ex lovers that you would be embarrassed by in the morning. {beams smile}

Ladies an' gen'lmen this policy, this beautiful, beautiful policy will increase your incomes while reducing your outgoings. It will increase everyone's incomes as they abandon the beer. It initially restores falling sales to the pub trade too, but like the congestion charge and taxes in general..prices can only go one way.. {laughter..'its true' says someone}

This is the only bill you will need this year. It's popular with the voting majority and has an unarguable argument for those opposed.

"It's for your own good. We want to help you"

"May I present the "Scottish Licensing Bill 2009"

{Thunderous applause and standing ovation for the presenters.
As the applause dies away assembly members slump back into their chairs smiling and nodding and shaking hands with at each other.}

"This is the mother lode policy. This is the Broadway Musical of policies. It has everything!"

{As everyone flopped breathlessly in their chairs, panting and deep breathing with flushed exhaustion, one brighter than the average spark, jumps up.}

"We could do this with other things too, couldn't we? We could say these things about.. well lots of things, right?"

And the slick Adman clicks to the next power-point.

"Way ahead of you sir."

"We are making tracks..to beat snacks...{click}
Crisps. Dealing with our children's greatest danger."

SNP ministers spent £36,000 on booze at official receptions last year, it was revealed yesterday.
The bar bill has nearly doubled in four years.