The Brownadder tries for a Fourth term
new BBC comedy/farce
new BBC comedy/farce
Captain Brownadder was in his bunker surrounded by boxes and boxes of blank postal votes.
He was addressing his team of Lieutenant Geoff and Private Ballsdrick on his latest cunning plan.
"Its perfectly simple. You look down the register of the deceased from 1991, you then use these forms to register them to vote, and then apply for a postal vote at the address we rented, and then when the postal vote comes, you register them to vote for us. Is that clear?"
The two men stared blankly at Blackadder. Lt Geoff raised his hand and asked "But why would the dead be voting sir? There's no ectoplasm tax or dead persons allowance? Surely they couldn't have much interest in whichever side won an election."
"A Euro election too sir" chipped in Ballsdrick. "Well quite. Thank you Private. A Euro election result to boot!" laughed Lt Geoff.
Captain Brownadder pinched the bridge of his nose in a weary resignation and took a deep breath. "Look cretins. The dead are not voting. We are voting for them, in order that they will vote for us, and we remain in power..although sometimes i wonder if its worth the bother, having to be Prime Minister and the Kindergarten Cop. So, lets have a go at a form. Sit down Ballsdrick. Right ..lets see.. Name"
"A spiritual belief in a higher being that created all life on earth and man in his own image"
Brownadder sighed. "Fine. Which party do you want to vote for?"
"Well, we hate that Tony Blair, so I'm going to vote him out"
"I'm the leader of the Labour party now, you idiot"shouted Brownadder.
"Are you sure sir?"asked Ballsdrick.
"Yes, I don't remember any leadership election either sir,"said Lt Geoff. "Is that what these forms are for.. the leadership election of the Labour party?"
Brownadder sighed and dropped his head into his hands. It was going to be a long night.
Capt Brownadder read the reports. Pte Ballsdrick and Lt Hoon stood before him at attention.
Brownadder was furious. The plan to fake voters had not gone well."This is the biggest cock up since someone ordered Apache helicopters without avionics software. Since Tony Blair said 'its not so hot today, I won't need a t/shirt under my shirt just for a speech.' If you will, it is as bad as having to follow John Prescott into the lavy.
One Billion pounds wasted. You Ballsdrick got your team to put "Ballsdrick - Secretary of state for children, on EVERY SINGLE FORM."
"Just like we rehearsed sir" said Ballsdrick proudly.
"But I chose all different names sir," spoke up Geoff. "In fact we had a lot of fun doing it. Joe Hannesburg. Jack O'Lantern. Fred LeShred and so forth."
"Yes. Well that bit of foolishness might not have mattered IF you hadn't put age - zero, on each form."
"Well they are all zero. They all died in 1991."
"And if they were alive today they would be..?"
"Erm..hang on a bit..just take my sock off.."
"They would be eighteen. Eighteen years old! First time voters just registering now. That was the whole point. That was the plan. And you two blew it like a terror list in a transparent folder.
You two will find yourself on a tour of the South East explaining to business where the promised finance is. You are about to find out just how green you can be by taking a fact finding mission to the Arctic circle.. "
"I do have another cunning plan sir"
"Spare me Ballsdrick. Your plans are about as likely to succeed as a manifesto commitment."
"But sir, it is a good one. You make friends with President Obama. Then you stand next to him smiling. Or doing that thing that you do that's sort of like smiling but makes you look like you've swallowed a coat hangar. Then, you get the world leaders to agree to another massive debt creation exercise that will give you funds for a tax cut for the April budget before the Euro elections"
Brownadder stared at Ballsdrick in amazement.
"Ballsdrick. That's brilliant. I'll get all the leaders to London and hold the world's biggest photo opportunity. Then, when they've agreed to my fiscal stimulus we can print,borrow,create,give,take,lend or throw about as much money as we need. I didn't need to create voters for the Euro election, I just needed to buy them. "
"Geoff, Ballsdrick, touch nothing until I return. I'm off to see General Mandelchett for some hosting and PR funds. This is going to be the biggest party since the BBC's 1997 election night special impartial victory bash."
And he swept out of the dugout and was gone.