The return of the 'creative' estate agents

A while ago I featured one of the more creative examples of the estate agents' art of describing properties for sale in euphemistic terms.  It was an inaccessible house in the middle of a wood that used to be a sand quarry just a mile across the suburbs from Schloss Drew.   The agent termed it "Charming Home in Very Secluded Location. Extremely Leafy Outlooks".

Well, now the same agent has another property to shift, this time even closer to the Drew residence; and the circumstances are not dissimilar as you can see from a pic I took myself.  The vocab they've reached for looks awfully similar, too.

Unique Secluded Location With Leafy Outlooks ... Large Rear Garden With Leafy Backdrop 

One hopes prospective buyers will do their own DD, because 'leafy' is not the only aspect of the backdrop.  This place is in another wood that used to be a sand quarry, where the enterprising local youth have created an elaborate BMX bike course with some fairly stiff obstacles and jumps.  When, several decades ago, I was a local councillor, this was in my patch: and the warmest applause I ever received at a public meeting was when I vowed I would ensure the Council would put a stop to the BMX-ers here.  Revisiting the site of my political triumph this week, I discovered to my amazement that, not only has the Council evidently given up the struggle now, they've even conferred an ironic blessing upon the victors by erecting a sign eschewing all responsibility for maintaining the private-enterprise course, so that anyone using it does so at their own risk!

A little deeper into the wood there is, I find, a quite enormous tree house built of railway sleepers and huge steel bolts.  By whom?  I must try to find out.  It's of a construction that had me looking all around for signs of zipwires etc, but I could find none.  Again, every indication this is an entirely freelance venture - no Council 'elf-n-safety officer would dare to be seen anywhere near it. 

"Unique location" and "leafy" it may indeed be - but I'm less sure about secluded ...   Anyone got other nice examples of the estate agents' art?

ND

New Year Prediction Game 2023

 So last year the predictions were somewhat poor as we nearly all over-egged Boris. Under estimated Putin and thought covid was awful!

Everyone except Caesar Hemera - blimey he nailed it. Well done that man! 

This year let’s make it simple for us all? 5 yea or nea- 

Will the war in Ukraine end?

Will Oil average over $100 a barrel?

Will Elon Musk’s fabled moon trip happen?

Will Sam Bankman-Fried get Jail time?

Will the UK be in recession still in Q4 2024?

Bonus answer for tiebreak has to be a sport related prediction. Mine is for Emma Radacanu to win Wimbledon. 

Friday Post - Fun Tory Time Competition

Who will make the best next Prime Minister? You have to choose a current Tory MP to make it a bit harder.

I start with mine below:

Tom Pursglove. He is the youngest Tory MP but very experienced nonetheless. Rising up from roles as advisor and also from Wellingborough Borough Council, he has already fought and won 3 elections in 2015, 2017 and 2019. As the MP for Corby he is in the heart of the Country and so nicely between the ex-Red Wall seats but far from the Home counties. 

He has been chair of Conservative Youth and has expressed the "right" views on being anti-Europe and also a borderline climate change denier and actively campaigning against more onshore wind farms. A good anti-dote to the green obsessed Boris but still unlikely to undo Brexit. 

Being so young he is also unlikely to die from the ongoing covid pandemic and is not a member of either the Cotswold or Islington sets that have done so much damage to the body politic over the last few years. 

Answers in the comments please.

I'll try to engineer a job as an unpaid Tory spad for the winner.

A*++ results day

It is that time of year where I do the appraisals of staff and colleagues, this year in the spirit of transparency and honesty, I thought it best to be public with my comments about Mr Drew.

"It has been a fantastic year for you, whilst the pandemic has meant we have not actually met or spoken, your output has been such that has rightly eclipsed both Plato and Aristotle as go to guides for wisdom in the modern age. With this in mind and recognising your needs to be rightly admired amongst your peer group of course to please your dear old mum too, I can say you have indeed earned fully the special A*++ rating, created in fact just for you."

* 360 review feedback welcome in the comments

* Appraisal grades are in no way linked to the pay round later in the year. 

* White males in receipt of any appraisal grades above fail will be marked down by a minimum 5 levels during the equalisation meetings in September. Sorry old fruit. 

Friday Fun: All projection is reflection

 Absolutely the worst thing happening this week is the adoption of the England Football team by all and sundry. 

Heaven know we have needed a good news story for a while and here one is. But this weekend is going to see an ocean of pixels and newsprint devoted to "Why England's success means...." and what comes after will surely be whatever the pet subject is that the author normally bangs on about ad infinitum. 

Here are my ideas for what we might want to avoid reading:

"Why England's success shows a new emergence of left-wing patriotism"

"Why England's success shows the positive of conservative patriotism"

"Why England's success can only happen outside of the EU"

"Why England's success shows Boris is a bad leader"

"Why England's success shows Boris is a good leader" 

"Why England's success shows immigration is good"

I mean, all of the above I have either read or know I am going to be asked to read in the near future. It is a tedious part of the new click-bait media culture that see churnalists just use whatever the new bandwagon is to keep their own views going. No one I see is using it to change their established and set views on the world which seems to be the norm these days, unfortunately. 

So as a task for the readers over the weekend, I have some work for you. Below are some heroically bad takes, even worse than the above. Can your precis an article for them for 100 words in the comments, even better if some moron's write them and you can post links to them...

"Why England's success is a prelude to the green revolution"

"What England's success tells us about capitalism" 

"Why England's success is good/bad for LGBT issues"

How it’s going - Covid economic shock

If only because I am bored of seeing the usual suspects say the UK has had the worst global recession due to Covid and the most deaths and what an exceptional horror story we are etc etc. 

As always in reality, it is much greyer, the major economies of Europe have been in a very similar vein, except Germany who avoided the tough first wave and they only compare the the USA who have not closed down as much as Europe (but, on balance have the same level of deaths broadly, if not a little better). 

But funnily, I don't read anywhere that the USA has done better than Europe throughout the pandemic from both a medical and economic perspective? I wonder why?

2021 Predictions - maybe the hardest one in 14 years

We started this little tradition 14 years ago now, gulp, how time flies. 

As I said last week, back in 2006-9 myself and the readership often got 4/5 or better for predictions, it continued at a good rate until the last couple of years when the winner, like last year, often only got 1/5. The world has become more unpredictable or perhaps the authors and readers more stupid....

But now we have 2021, with a global pandemic and runaway stock market fuelled by frankly mental levels of money printing - all the whilst having Russia and China waiting in the wings and a geriatric in charge of America. 

So, good luck, we will need it for both the game and as the kids say, IRL. 

Here goes

1) FTSE close on 31/12/21

2) Share price of Tesla on 31/12/21 (this stock, the focus of the irrational market, will be the bell-weather for a market crash too this year...or not...)

3) When will the Tier system end in the UK (assumes this year...optimism central I am)

4) Who will be US President at the end of the Year

5) What price will Bitcoin be in US Dollars?

A nice rounded global focus there, bit more on the markets this year. As always there are bonus points (to a maximum of one) for guessing some major geo-political event too in your response. 

Good luck all...

Trump Friday!

The man can alwasy steal the scene. This time, he did not even mean it. 

But given he had the debate with Biden on Wednesday I am looking out for Joe Biden to tweet he is negative. 

Imagine if Hope Hicks, pictured, who likely gave the virus to Trump somehow manages to incapacitate both the President and the soon-to-be President elect. 

Whilst personally tragic, from a political point of view it would be pure popcorn. The US consitution can't really handle making changes on the fly given the rigours of the tripartite approach to Government. 

We would end up with Crazy Mike Pence as President, then likely into either Nancy Pelosi or Kamala Harris as, um, unelected female Presidents. Wow.

It won't happen, but then again this is 2020 and stranger things have never happened than this year. 

There is no vaccine for Manflu - apologies for the interruption to service

 

Friday Fun - Covid Conspiracy plans

If there is one thing that has kept me going over the past few months it is the endless litany of more and more outrageous conspiracy stories about Covid-19.

In many ways Covid is THE perfect conspiracy platform. After all, China really did do a massive job covering up how it started (and then started in its national newspapers claiming it was from a USA lab - classic maskirovka). And the virus is scary, out of control and affecting the whole world.

But, the anti-mask fanatics, the lunatics who claim it is all a hoax, the anti-vaxxers, the people who call it a plandemic and also those who claim Bill Gates wants to kill us all. 

It is amazing, a rich and deep seem on human "intelligence" and nonsense. And really entertaining, I mean check this one out for example:

"Recently, Chandra Wickramasinghe, known for his work in astronomy and astrobiology, spread the idea that the virus was living on a comet and a piece of that space rock may have fallen to Earth during a brief fireball event over China in October 2019. He further implied that comets carrying viruses may have caused outbreaks in the past as well."

Anyway, they are funny is even they help to further the idea that much of humanity is made up of nut-jobs. So what is your favourite one for the comments? Or indeed, which to you actually believe?

Postscript: We Got Those Algorithms!

Had to smile when this little ad popped up over one of CU's recent pieces where we have been wondering about the fate of commercial property.

Perhaps the algo detected those of the BTL comments that were upbeat!  Because let's face it, some of them weren't ...

ND

Shell Going Green: a very big straw in the wind

"Anglo-Dutch supermajor Shell is hatching plans for a massive company-wide restructuring in response to the Covid-19 pandemic and to position the 113-year-old oil and gas company for the shift to lower-carbon energy. A special internal project team began work behind closed doors earlier this month and is set to present its findings in the third quarter or early fourth quarter, according to Shell sources"  (Recharge News)

Well, they are all at it these days and I intend to post at greater length shortly.  Incidentally, and in case anyone was wondering, I'd say this is Big, and Real.

On a lighter note, I wonder what codename they've given this effort.  Back in the mists of time when another big downturn in oil price was underway, Shell initiated aother such restructuring programme - rather less radical, of course, but far-reaching nonetheless - and they coined it "SEARCH".  The "S" stood for Shell, of course.

Nobody will ever recall what the rest stood for, because the programme caused such mayhem it soon became known as Stop Everything And (w)Reak Complete Havoc ...

ND 

A cure at last!

It has been hard with Lockdown to get to grips with the virus. It creeps up unseen, an invisible enemy as President Trump says. You don't know who has it, it could be your spouse or close family, your neighbours, even as we have discovered, the Prime Minister.

It is a nasty virus to if you catch it. Some people do seem to be able to wear it lightly and get by, but for other the symptoms get worse and worse. Fever seems to be one of the maing signs, and the lying around lethargic with the odd peak of howling rage.

I am of course talking about social media addiciton virus, which is a curse of our age. All of our political and media class suffer hugely from this debilitating disease. With it, they lose most sense of reason and all sense of proportion. The current ridiculous and confected issue with Dominic Cummings is the latest example.

It proved for me though a release, having watch some loopy lady on Sky insist that he was patient zero for the North East and could be prosecuted for murder, enough was enough. Already I had been recovering (a nice email from a regular reader here helped too), but slowly I was looking less at Twitter, ignoring the daily briefings and generally getting on with a bust job and life. Now was the time for the big switch off.

I feel a lot freer for it, to limit the interaction with 24 hour news is good for the soul. One or two bouts a day for 10-15 minutes will keep you in the know but not consumed by it. The nature of the Corona virus impact and how much it changed our lives nescessarily made following the news a key element in all our lives. But now, as lockdown ends, perhaps the height of super tension will reduce too. Sadly, I fear for the media it is far too late, in their desperate search to keep up with free news, they have reduced themselves to the same level as those whom they used to criticise for sensationalism,

Labour to nationalise itself make the Labour party 'free to all'

As the election gets tight for Labour they have been busily offering 'free' goodies to all potential voters in a desperate calculated bid to try and get nearer to 40% of the vote and deny the Tories a majority in Government.

Hot off the phone line from the Millbank Kremlin to me comes the news that the last and best retail offer Labour has saved for the end of the election Campaign. The Labour party intends to rally make it for the may and not the jew few.

In an announcement to be made at Roker Park in Sunderland, Jeremy Corbyn will announce that the Labour party will be nationalised. Everyone will automatically become a member of the labour party from birth. A free signed picture of Jeremy Corbyn will accompany every NHS baby pack and to start school all kids will receive a Diane Abbot signed calculator.

Labour believe that this fantastic offer, fully paid for by a travel tax on the Gnomes of Zurich, will be the clincher. With everyone a member of labour then everyone can vote for Labour at the election. I understand Richard Burgon is the brains behind this cunning plan and argued for it voicerferously over a recent meeting of the shadow cabinet in Jeremy's kitchen.

As a Capitalist I can only marvel at the logic and audacity of the Labour party during this election. their sensational and well-thought through political plays have amazed me.

What will be more amazing is if they really do get more than 1 in 3 of the votes next week...

Friday Fun: One wish from the Labour Magic Lamp

So, as we have long know, social media and Brexit have destroyed our body politics. Our political class has now stopped any pretence of seriousness and just promises anything to try and bribe voters; in many ways this is the end of democracy.

Back in 2009 and 2010, we wrote a series of articles on Greece - two years ahead of the eventual terrible financial crisis. One of the main takeaways was that the politicians in the Country had reduced democracy to bribing their own voting factions and nothing else, plus the bribes were increased massively with borrowed money. The result was a bankrupt country with 25% unemployment and a ruined body politic. I recall warning we may head the same way and by a little more circuitous route we have indeed!

Anyway, it is Friday so it is a challenge day. Imagine you are a political leader in the UK and you have one last bullet to fire to get as manay votes as possibly through electoral bribery - what do you choose to make free with you magic money tree wand?

Monday Quick Takes

- Markets are unusually resilient given the shenanigans in both Washington and Westminster. I just hope this lasts!

- There is still no real insight from the EU as to what to do with Boris's new offer. Parliament is telling them to ignore it but there are a few worried in Brussels that their disingenuity will finally get spotted.

- Corbyn is well on the election war path, targeting football bosses now. Classic Corbyn timing as he attacks the Newcastle owner just as they finally have their biggest win in years.

- The Rugby world cup is still boring, the Group stages are entirely unnecessary as there are not 8 decent teams in the world worth watching.

Friday Humour: Trump Style

"In June of 1775, the Continental Congress created a unified army out of the revolutionary forces encamped around Boston and New York and named after the great George Washington, commander in chief. The Continental Army suffered a bitter winter of Valley Forge, found glory across the waters of the Delaware and seized victory from Cornwallis of Yorktown. Our army manned the [unclear], it [unclear] the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do. And at Fort McHenry, under “the rockets red glare,” it had nothing but victory. And when dawn came, their star-spangled banner waved defiant."

 Donald Trump, 4th July Speech 2019

Posted without comment with a humour tag. Maybe a small tear for his history teacher.

I really, really thought this was some made up Saturday Night Live comedy, apparently its the real deal. 

Corbyn Snorted Illicit Stuff, 'Fortunate Not To Be Jailed'

In preparing for his bid to be the next Prime Minister, Jeremy Corbyn has admitted he several times snorted something that sounded like an anti-semitic remark.  Anti-semitism is a Class-A hate crime and is illegal in many countries.  

He said it was during his earlier career as a no-hope backbencher, and that he did it because "everyone was doing it at the parties I went to in those days.  It gives you a wonderful 'boosted vote' feeling, but I've been told to say I know it's wrong."   

He agreed he was lucky to have escaped jail, and that it might have affected his ability to travel in the USA: it is required on a US visa application to make a declaration about involvement with banned political movements associated with the Holocaust. 

He went on: "While we are on the subject, I should add that I occasionally smoked some of that marxist dope, but it had no effect on me, because I didn't take it in."  Mr Corbyn is known to be not very bright, and failed his A-levels. 

Friends of Corbyn insist none of these things disqualify him from becoming PM.  One leading Shadow Chancellor said: "if smoking that dope disqualifies him, there's no hope for any of us".

ND

Political Suicide: Jeremy Korb Show to be Banned?

Calls are being made for Jeremy Korb to be permanently taken off the air, following shocking revelations about how his political programme exploits vulnerable people, and the alleged political suicide of one of its participants.

It has been revealed that producers of the Jeremy Korb Show seek out vulnerable individuals, mostly young and working class with personal difficulties, poor educational attainment and existing gullibility problems. They are lured into the programme with outlandish promises – one student was told their tuition fees would be abolished - and told to say they believe these promises in front of the camera. The show sets up rivalries between the varies parties involved and encourages them to argue violently. 

The spectacle of participants airing their gullibility in public is regularly watched by millions of viewers, who are then invited to vote on which party gets to win. 

Chuka U, a recent participant, stormed out of the show in disgust after having his intelligence insulted repeatedly. It is believed he subsequently committed political suicide. 

Another, Tom W said: “I was put under enormous pressure to say things I didn’t think were right, and pick fights with people who were once my friends. I am now trying to rebuild my life and stay honest, but it’s very difficult: Jeremy Korb makes people say crazy things and they become impossible to reason with.” 

EU Election; Game of Thrones edition

So with only a week to go in the EU elections, the leaders fight over who will win control of not much at all and hold no sway over Westeros or even Europe, it si worth a quick review of the character development in this season:







First off, current evil Queen Cersei May has long-ago locked herself in the Palace of Westminster declaring that Winter has arrived. Fearful of an army of undead socialists who have come back from the 1970's, she has instead seen her own army desert and sits lonely, waiting for the inevitable last stand.









To challenge, May comes the pretender Farage-Stark. Farage has mustered the Men of the North to fight both Queen Cersei, The Undead Socalists and the EU Emperor Junker. Whilst Farage has painted himself as loyal only to Westeros, he is in fact not even Northern, but a treacherous court minister, now turned rabble rouser. With a strong army, he advances towards the EU city of Brussels (Stasbourg on Tuesdays & Wednesdays) and then has set his sights on May's Palace at Westminster. With a touch but small army, he is likely to over-reach.







Next in line and keen on the Westeros throne, is Socialist Prophet and King of the Undead , Jezziah. Turfed out of his stately mansion in Islington and brought back to life from the pre-millennium period, Jezziah leads an army of Momentum Zombies who wish to make Westeros fair for all by levelling the whole place to the ground. With little strategy but enormous forces, Jezziah plunges on, heading for Westminster and trying to ignore Farage-Stark and refusing to entreat with the EU who he later plans also to destroy.





Returning in a frankly bizarre plot-twist is the High Cable, preaching peace to everyone as the expense of all Liberty and Democracy, he has gained an unexpected following as urban people revolt in protest against the Pretender, Queen May and the army of the Undead. Can't see it lasting and I bet the Urban types all get killed in the end. It would be better if he joined with some of the smaller characters but he is too old to do much.





The real winner of the series so far seems to be the made Lord of Dragons, Guy 'Daenyrs' Verhofstadt. He has long held that Westeros must be destroyed and won't even participate in the elections. Along with Lord Junker and Ser Michael Barnier, they seek to burn Westeros and claim it in the name of the EU. Never nice when the baddies win a season, but it is hard to see currently how the divided leaders of Westeros could unite to face the EU Dragons?




This covers the main characters but there are a few minor ones too that have developed:





A new group lead by Chuka Reek, seeks to betray all around and seize power for the old Lord of Blair religion. However, he has become quite a comedy character as everything goes wrong and the small rebellion he leads seems destined to be crushed and forgotten by one or all of the main leaders.





Also now departed by interesting was Tommy 'Bolton' Robinson, a nasty piece of work who thought he could win around a decent following by threating and scaring all he came across. Not really enough support for this approach and his character has long since departed the stage.